dear friends

I have been in the hospital since November the 10 and finally came home today- I had a severe chemo crash and also a infected bowel caused by the chemo and came very close to going home to the Lord but He choose to heal me slowly- I am a miracle patient as they were not expecting me to live past the first day and called my family in- but God did not take me home yet- I am very weak and was very sick but as my platelets dropped to poing 6 which is not a good thing and also having the infection and nothing to fight it with- They had a new cancer drug they brought in to use and God used the drug as a miracle-
I will write more when I can and I will try to find a way for Miss Ashley to write here for me=
I was too sick to explain to her how to find the blog - I am just blessed to be able to tell you this in person- life is very different for me now as I need to be cared for rather than be a care giver
this cancer is fighting my body and taking a lot out of me but God will decide and His plans are best for me although I do not really like them at the moment
I will update when I can- I spent 42 days in the hospital so I am just finding my blogs again-
thanks for praying and please continue-
love Meme

I am ok ---chemo

here I am full of medicine and chemo but I am ok-- very tired! Nurse Crash-it is doing a good job aka Miss Ashley=I just came in to say hello and good night and with hugs and prayers.


from Meme

chemo is coming........

I have my first chemo treatment on Oct-28 Wednesday- at 9:30 a.m.
I will update more tomorrow-5 sleeps to go-- I hope I can rest the night before- I am happy to know I have a date now but also very anxious.
hugs from Meme

yesterday's cancer news

today was very long and tiring - and the news is rough.
I have cell cancer in the lining of my stomach and it is not the good type
-they can treat me but there is no cure as it is the same cancer that David had except it is in my lining of stomach rather than pancreas.
I will begin treatments soon. I have to have a colonoscopy on Friday to determine it it has spread to the bowel. oh yuck--LOL
It did not show on the ct scan re bowel but he said the scan can not always pick up cell cancer there so the colonoscopy.
I am very tired and exhausted and just shell shocked but I will be better tomorrow,sigh.
I have not sent any thing to anyone else yet( I have now as I am a day late here)
but it is fine to share and I will up date as I can- as long as folks realize this is really all i know and that next week I will get the port put in and I cannot individually reply right now--it is going to be a tough battle to get me into remission but I have hope and faith in the decision we made today.

in memory of papa---blessing

today 2 of his friends came with trucks and cleaned up my back yard of things that were done and also cleaned out an entire shed so that I have a whole unit to store things so that I can continue to down size and if I am not sure I can still remove from the house-
I was so blessed== also can put all the thrift store stuff until they come back and they will take it down for me-this is like having a whole new room added to my house-they took an old chair and dresser and hamper from the house for me too - which adds more space for me they did it in memory of papa and in honor of meI am so blessed--I was able to share some of papa hubbys things with them- R------has a whole load of wood for their wood burning stove as papa hubby had a lot of willow saved up for his canes he made--they tried to pay me and so I tried to pay them-- and we both agreed that this is what friendship is for--and so we both won each other over -
I am ok --- will write soon- huggles me, Meme

ct scan done :-)

the scan and the day went smoothly- hoping the results will be in by Friday but not for sure.
I go to the city hospital but they still have to be read and sent to another cancer clinic for further reading--so I am being a patient waiting patient but the good news is that I have my first appointment on October 13 at the cancer clinic so I will begin my journey then-I had a good day and was able to get the kitchen back to my standards which is two clean sinks so just being able to do that makes me feel better-I just puttered and rested etc-forgive me for times between updates but I have to try to rest and take things easy and even phone calls and emailing is tiring on some days- I am learning what balance is...........I love you guys and know that you are holding us up in prayer- that is the greatest blessing of all.

huggles from Meme

Dogman with papa

Dogman has been sick off and on with his Cushings and the last two days were too much for him
and his kidney's stopped filtering the water he was drinking which meant his blood was getting no water and I
took him to the vet but there was nothing she could do but gently send him to papa hubby- He was so weak
and just went to sleep with a calming drug - she knew he was dying so we sat in a special room togetherand he slipped away-He seemed content to be with me - He would have been 13 tomorrow- he is being cremated privately and will come back to us in a pretty cedar box- with his name on and '' thanks for the memories.'' I am ok as ok is for me right now
and my little bird was bit by a bee and died 15 minutes afterwards so today is not a good day here=
huggles me who has a sadder heart tonight-

the letter O

I rather got behind on letters so will now just think about O
I will just do letters when I can....of course, there are Oreo cookies which most folks love but I haveto admit I do not- and there are oats which take part in our daily lives in
cerels and breads- cheerios with honey :-)
but for me right now is the word OH
=it often prefixs( is that the correct thought) my words
like oh no---which was one of my first thoughts about this cancer
and of course- my prayer- Oh God, help me- this was my cry
this week end and I know that He is with me and although I cannot see what He is doing right now, I can feel His presence-so often, David of the psalms cried out to God and God heard and we
know when we cry that we are heard.My other prayer is that God's will be done
even though there will be days and times that I/wedo not want His will...........I am sure there are other O words but as I am winging it tonight.
I will leave you with this thought-Oh God, thank you for leading me this far.........

Meme has bad news

I had to go to the doctor for him to check the biopsy site for infection or problems- that part is ok but the first of the results are in and I do have cancer- they do not know where it is originating from at this time and they do not know if it is good or bad- I have to go to the cancer clinic in the city and also have ct scans done asap- there is no doubt about the lump containing cancer but the problem is why?? once they know the origin it will be easier to make plans of what the chemo will be and if there will or will not be surgerythat is all I know today-- I am stunned and do not really know what to say except pray for me- I will weep today- then have a good week end and begin the battle on MondayI will tell you whatever I know when I know itI cannot say anymore right now as this note hurts me to have to tell you my sad newsI love you- friends
from Meme

home from biopsy

i am home- the test was quite pain free but oh my, now it is so painful re my left side - face- etc- took some pain meds and must do nothing for a few days- no reports for 10 days as they have to do extensive testing- and we will go from there-i am very tired so I will go to bed again- I will blind copy to groups== they did 7 different needle tests and I swear each needle got bigger but he did it with the ultra sound so he knew where to go----------thank you for praying
loving thoughts from me and gentle right arm huggles

How is Meme?

• I am feeling better this week and I have been catching up on odds and ends
• but slowly so I do not tire -------------
• the weather had been wonderful and I get outside except
• in the hot hours as heat is hard on me--
• so mornings and evening are nice for me to sit out or
• do a few yard things...........
• taking walks every day
• and the biopsy is till on Sept- 21
• so I will have things in order so Ashley can mess it up--LOL
• she is like a whirl- wind looking for a place to land,
• she always has been-
• you always know she is here when she is here-(wink).
• Thank you all for praying
• it keeps me going at this time
• huggles from Meme

the nappers

• had to take Miss Ashley to the doctor for another foot sprain
• she had sprained the main muscle in her foot so time
• will be the healer-------she tends to fall of her foot on one side
• we waited for 10 days to see if it would go away on its own
• and now we know that it will so that was good news and she
• will just have to limp through it for a few weeks---
• then we went out for supper together with no boy who
• is a friend and no Dogman begging eyes---and then
• we walked home and both had a nap..........
• the doctor checked the lump and it has grown larger
• which means it shows now and is annoying the neck muscles
• but he could still give me no answer as we have to wait
• for the biopsy on Sept. 21
• I am going back to the shepherd and letting Him lead
• sometimes I forget who is in charge.......and I want answers NOW
• but God knows and yes, it is another journey but
• I am not alone--
• I am hoping to get over the being tired so that I can get on with some tales-
• good night and God bless every one and thank you for praying
• your prayers hold me up
• huggles from Meme

I am ok,,,,,,,

• I am ok but tired and weary
• and also have found a health issue
• about 4 weeks ago I noticed a lump on my lower neck
• and in a few days it got bigger so
• off to the doctor
• so far I have had x rays
• and then blood tests
• and then ultra sound
• and now on the 21 of Sept. I will have a biopsy
• I feel ok about this but being so tired
• this has added to my load
• I am keeping the faith and
• just trying to take things one day at a time
• the tummy is still an issue and that appointment
• is not until October 8
• I have been eating better as I want to be strong
• for the biopsy ( it is a lymph node)
• so I just have to try to overcome the stomach pain
• but as we all know
• when one has chronic pain
• it does take a lot of energy to keep
• going and going=
• I will be back soon
• I just to weary to think out tales
• loads of love
• and huggles
• from Meme

My week ----------

• I must say that this week did zip by quickly
• even though I was alone most of the time
• Miss Ashley went to visit other grandma and
• was blessed by going to see the ''Lion King.
• she enjoyed it and just her and grandma went.
• she did come yesterday for a shower and a briefing
• LOL and now has gone to take care of her sisters
• for the week end
• so Dogman and I have had to keep ourselves busy
• and off the street.
• the weather has been nice and we had a few storms
• pass by but left no damage behind.
• I am learning the art of loneliness and
• how one must keep on getting up and
• going forward. I must say that getting up
• is easy but staying up takes discipline.
• Dogman does not drag enough dirt into the house
• or dirty many dishes so I have to find other ways
• to improve our day and keep our minds stayed
• on following the Shepherd.
• Now it is Saturday night and we are both watching
• the cooking channel when ever the curse (f) is not on-
• I just cannot see how using one word over and over
• adds to our entertainment. Nor does it have any teaching value.
• I admit too that most of those recipes
• they so cheerful show us are not recipes I will use
• nor will my kitchen ever look so glamorous nor
• will some one set out all the ingredients pre-measured
• in those pretty little dishes so I can bake the perfect
• pie or cake. Calorie free too.
• But they are fun to watch and dream about.
• Of course, being me I do find many other things
• to keep me busy.
• I am off now to check the doors and send Dogman
• to his pee patch.
• Have a wonder week end and hug some one
• and spread some smiles.
• The Lord is my Shepherd!
• huggles from Meme

a friendship kit

• found this little idea on the net a while ago and was
• thinking of making mine up to share
• so I will share the directions with you
• FRIENDSHIP KIT
• rubber-bands to hold friends close
• tissues to dry a tear
• recipes to make and share
• stationary to stay in touch
• bible verses to express God's love
• prayers to keep your friend in mind
• a pencil to journal the heart in
• a note book with lines
• put all in a cloth bag to avoid carbon footprints

have fun and Meme will see you soon-

no plans

• alas I did not want to get up this morning as I was thinking I had nothing to do-
• now that is a silly thought for an old woman but as a habit
• I usually plan out things in my head the night before
• of a few things I must do or could do
• but forgot to think things out which means I convinced myself
• of a lazy day------ha!
• but I did get up and soon saw there were things to do
• the sun was shining after a 2 days of rain so I knew
• I could weed------that is the best time as weeds come up
• root and all-- and of course, there are always a few house
• chores jumping out of the sink or the laundry hamper
• I also walked down to the library and stopped off at a store
• I only spent a quarter-- LOL
• but had a chat with one lady friend
• then the kids came and the kids went
• and I did have a nap- quite unintentional as I was
• watching the news but cuddled in a blanket
• as I was cool as even though the sun shone
• it was a cool day outside and in........
• I am doing ok here- soon fall will be here and
• all the church activities will return
• there is not much to go to in this town
• that does not include alcohol -
• I decided when papa hubby died that I
• would not compromise my beliefs because
• I am lonely-
• summer times does seem the time to be lonely
• (my widow friends agree as they too miss the church action)
• ----if you are a christian widow so many folks
• are coming and going and most regular programs
• take a leave of absence
• I do walk every day which is good for me
• but shopping is again hard as we do not have
• many stores.......the windows do not change too often-
• but I will continue this journey
• depending on the Lord as the
• Lord is my shepherd.

Not in Control

• I have always been a A to Z type of lady who likes things to go
• step by step in order so when ( December 19, 2007) the phone rang
• and papa hubby said-- ''honey, I have terminal cancer and there
• is nothing the doctor can do but keep me comfortable'';
• my world
• ended as I knew it and I stepped into the unknown.
• It was the worst of the worst and the shock just overwhelmed me/
• First of all, we did not expect the results the same day that
• the tests were done-or I would have been with David but
• I had a dental appointment we had made some time ago
• and due to the problem being my dentures; I had to leave
• the bottom teeth behind and come home semi-toothless. but
• most of all we never expected the words terminal and nothing
• to be added to the words---''you have cancer.
• I do not drive so I was expecting my grand daughter to come
• later to take me to the hospital.
• I remember that waiting.......we had not set a certain time
• so all I had to do was be ready and wait.
• Those few hours were the most agonizing hours I spent
• during David's cancer journey-and in our marriage.
• I remember being able to do [nothing] and
• laying on the kitchen floor sobbing with Dogman
• - I could not think or breath or call for help-
• I was totally helpless and alone-
• I remember begging God to help us and show me what to do
• I remember the kids were later than I expected
• and I did not know who to tell so I told no one.
• I remember wondering how I would be able to tell anyone?
• What words do you say- ? How do you explain terminal to
• your children and your grand children.? what does ''nothing
• really mean? what does comfortable mean ?
• What do you say to friends - family- ? How do you
• tell them a story that you cannot believe in?
• I knew David was not alone as our pastor called
• and said he would stay with him- but my heart was
• broken and alone.
• I remember that I had not melted down
• like a confused child since I had left home
• over 40 years ago. And I remember that I could only lay
• there and sob and beg- I remember the patterns of
• saw dust on the rug which was part of papa as he was
• a wood worker and sawdust followed him-every where
• I looked I saw proof of papa hubby existence -
• The kids did come and we left and I said nothing
• Ashley was napping in the backseat when the boy
• who is a friend asked about papa and I do not
• remember his questions but I know the words I said
• were --yes-- and ---no.
• I remember Ashley crying out about what I meant
• and I remember that I had only 3 miles to tell her
• and I knew I could not lie--I could not soften the blow
• I had to tell her that her papa was too sick to get better
• I remember we were crying and some how we got to that
• city hospital and found money for parking and
• then we went off to find our papa- we dream walked
• and set smiles on our broken hearts---
• I still remember his smile when we walked in and I
• remember him saying ''lets all cry together and then we
• will be ok'. and we
• some how managed to crawl into his bed
• and hold each other and cry - and I knew that from
• that minute onward that no matter what happened we
• would survive because love held us together.
• I still did not understand that David's death meant survival
• for him but that is another story.
• And I knew that we could not control what was happening=
• because there were no more rules to follow and the steps
• were not ours to make- the alphabet was scrambled.
• and that God was in control and that we would
• follow Him through the valley and up the mountain.
• We would fall and we would stumble but we kept following
• to the end of the journey for David and the beginning of
• a journey for me.
• some would wonder why the doctor would be so brutally honest
• but David was the kind of guy who wanted to know all--
• even what he did not want to hear-,
• And so our journey began with no map or plans-
• and nothing to pack-------
• but we were blessed because
• The Lord was our shepherd!

I need to catch up...

• here I am reading and summering and forgot that I should be writing too
• we have had nice weather but did have major storm warnings tonight
• but where ever the storm was - it did not pass by here.
• The kids are great ones for the weather channel
• and they find it hard to believe that Meme
• does it the old fashioned way--
• I look out the window-LOL
• I have to admit too that I have been sluffing off the chores
• for another day.
• I have not gone to any lakes this year or sunny beaches
• I remember we would take the kids and then the g'kids
• to different lakes close by and let them run about
• in the sand and in some cases dip toes into the water.
• Where did we get the energy ?
• Miss Sidney was here for an over night
• and just watching her move about
• made me tired.
• She has gone camping now for two nights
• This is her first big ''away from home"" trip
• She comes here often but coming here is just like
• being at home.
• She has crayons and paper and books and toys
• to scatter around.
• so now Meme has shared a tale: I will go to bed
• huggles

Friday Frogs

• did that title get you over here?
• no, Meme has not gone to the frogs
• she just a double sick days here
• so has been sleeping off and on
• and maintaining some of the chores
• have to keep the floor for Dogman
• and some dishes too------
• It was pleasant to have a few moments
• of simply being instead of doing
• I suffer from busyness and I
• and learning that idle hands are ok
• now and then-
• I must have been tired
• as my naps increased but
• I feel better now
• my house did not suffer from me
• leaving it alone for a day or two
• and Dogman was quite happy
• to nap with me====
• Ashley just came and went and
• came back again
• and she did not lack anything
• except maybe my company--LOL
• I am working on the busyness as
• I am to old to go like the pink bunny
• have a wonder filled week end
• hugs from Meme

cool and wet day

• summer feels like it is over for us already
• we were cool enough to put the furnace on
• long enough to cheer up the house
• it does keep the thunder storms at bay
• and so the rain is simple.....
• I had a rather easy day here
• I could have put more into it but
• I didn't have any ''must do today '' projects
• I did clean out my closet - and found
• a few things that can leave the building
• with my tummy being so bad I am
• finding a lot of clothes I can not longer wear
• they are just too painful and so I don't bother
• I hope I never become a half naked lady
• even elastic pants hurt me- and forget the metal button jeans
• I am debating on skirts but need to be warm
• so if anyone has ideas that would help
• me be fully clothed and warm and still be a lady
• please let me know--------
• I wish we could find some cotton dresses here
• Meme is going to have to find a new wardrobe
• that is suitable for a tom-girl-
• take care and keep hugging your loved ones
• I miss papa hubby's hugs
• huggles from Meme

Meme's hope

• a while ago I started a blog called Joy and Hope Road
• where I planned to post of my pictures and tell the story
• as I remember( it) that goes with the photo---------
• and of course, I promptly forgot
• but now that Miss Ashley helped me down load
• most of my photos and I am learning to take more-
• I can get on with it------
• and also I am writing another blog called
• Lessons from a clutter Princess
• this is a fun blog written-- with some laughter and tears
• and also to be read with
• with a grain of salt and a dash of pepper
• so why??
• Because I am worn down and sick from grief
• so I need something to do to turn me around
• and I like writing even though I can never
• remember the commas and periods.........
• and I will write the princess blog in rough
• and then of course, essentially clean it up
• (re all those punctuations that I miss)
• and publish it for my daughters and grand daughters=
• I have to start leaving my grief behind as
• I can not keep focus on it now--I am too tired'''
• and my grief is becoming unhealthy
• I would grieve hard and forever if
• it would bring back papa to me-
• My love for him is eternal but
• my grief is not...........I have nothing left to give to grief-
• I will wonder from blog to blog and if you
• check my dashboard- it will take you right there.
• I hope that you will take a look and see
• and that some of my words will encourage you.

hugs from Meme

looking for my friends

• I am going to take a peek and see what you are all up too
• I know that it is really too nice to be blogging
• right now- we have storms and it is late
• but I am waiting for Miss Sidney to go to bed
• she has one half hour to go........
• I am hoping we keep our power on as she is not
• a pioneer type of kid- LOL
• I have a surprise to share with you tomorrow
• and also have some chores to do
• so it may be late when I get here again-
• now I am off to read your doings
• summer hugs from Meme

quiet blog world

• it must be summer fun time as the blog world is quiet
• and I am quiet too-
• I am on a cleaning spree??
• that is on the days that it is not too hot here
• I did find another fan yesterday
• half price too which really helps
• we did have a horrid storm here yesterday
• no damage at my house but alas
• further north of our town
• one person was killed when a stage collapsed
• it does make on think about how our life is
• a short span and makes me think how I
• want to live the rest of my days
• I did join this ladies little blog to have
• some fun while organizing my house

http://parentingconfessions.blogspot.com/

It is a good thing for Meme to do and maybe some of you will enjoy

following also-

have a great day= and hug some one today-

WHERE IS MEME?

• Here I am-------


• I took last week off from most things


• including the blogs


• last week was a nice but bitter sweet time


• July 21 was papa David's graduation date for eternal life


• July 23 was his earth birthday- he would have been 70


• July 25 was his memorial date for his funeral


• so it was a week of memories


• I did put a ''in loving memory- piece in our local paper


• I did it for me to help in healing the tendar scars


• I know he is fine and worshipping his Lord


• and


• we have had a heat wave and


• living in Alberta means we do not have air conditioners


• as we only need one about 1 week a year...


• so I have been getting up early to do chores


• and then resting and reading in my room


• I do not tolerate sun shine and high temps well


• I am not used to it so it saps me dry


• but I know winter is coming- again so I


• appreciate the hot days now


• blessings to you all and I will be back in gear asap

huggles from Meme

Miss Ashley news

Miss Ashley now has her learner's permit and can learn to drive- she is so excited as this was a hard step for her- she had dreamed of her papa teaching her to drive and when he got sick and then passed away- she would not consider the test or any thing to do with driving- I have been encouraging her but also supporting her feelings- I understood how she felt--------and the other day she went and took the test..........and now has a learner's permit- she has a few lessons from an instructor also and he is very encouraging man as he knows why she had to wait;;;she wants me to tell you the good news she has!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!and I finally realized that it means a lot to her that my friends know our news - she keeps asking what my friends said--LOL

I am so proud of her------- The picture of papa and her at her graduation- papa's last outing ...........

huggles me, Meme

hugs

• getting behind in the blog world



• we have had some days of sunshine



• and a wee bit hot for us-



• so just enjoying the that summer time feeling



• I will just share some pictures for now



• and catch up another night



• i am ok but that is all I can be for now



• I just need to get through next week



• as it has many remembering days



• ashley likes taking pictures of the leaves close up- see the heart ?
• hugs from Meme

PAPA HUBBY'

• 
  Ashley helped me down load more pictures today so now I know what I am doing---
  these are old pictures taking before papa went home with the Lord
  there are pictures from his camera and also from mine- I just left them where they were
  when he died but now it is time for me to take some new ones for me and you.
  we each our camera as he often had a camera with him and of course- we swapped too-
  some I have just deleted as they are not good- like the one of my 3 fingers only-LOL
  so I will share pictures more often-
  right now I am supposed to be making supper for Dogman and me
  but I wanted to send this one picture off before I do that=
  I will come back tomorrow and share some and then share as time goes by
  this is papa David before cancer and how I need to remember him- I was blessed to find this picture today as sometimes to see him just the way he was-
  hugs from Meme

picture my thoughts

busy bee

1. Meme is just flying by .......tonight. It is cool here but no storms.
2. No time for tales but I had a good day but it just flew by
3. I got to the grocery store and the bank too
4. now tomorrow is a paper pile day aka pay those bills
5. I cannot give kitty from yesterday away as he is a visitor
6. I have not seen him lately so maybe he moved
7. but now we have a new kitty visitor who is black and white-
8. the bird has a lot of visitors these last few years and so far
9. has not had any problems with his visitors aka kitties
10. I will come back tomorrow with a thought or two
11. huggles from Meme

Meme is up late.......

• the tow man came and took the trailer out of the yard- and so now I have a new space to look at-----he was so nice and refused to take any money as he said that papa hubby did a lot of little things for him.. That was such a blessing for me.


• we had sunshine this morning and then rain and storms and we were on tornado watch again but all is well now.


• did a few too many chores around the house and now my shoulder is cross and so am I- LOL


• I will close for now and talk to you all tomorrow.


• Remember Jesus is every day.


• huggles me, Meme


• the picture is saying that we can still be friends even if we are different ............

sunshine and clouds....

We got our rain and brother farmer says that he got enough - we have no puddles hanging around as we were so dry--------we did not get some of the thunder and lightening that other areas did- we have had storms pass over today but no more rain.Papa hubby's friend stopped by to help me clean out the old trailer which will be going to the dump- we were using as a storage shed but now it have lived it's day and needs to go out to pasture. We did have fun trying to guess what some of papa's plans were in regards to some of the items.We do make plans and we do have hope and we do not think about the day when the Lord calls us home. We need to be ready for that day- because it is quicker than a wink- and there are no do-overs.When we were told that papa hubby had terminal cancer in stage 4 plus we both remembered God's promise in John 3:16. We were prepared and so all papa hubby had to do was hang for the ride. And it was quite a ride for both us. It was the best times and worst of times.I remember so well my David's last morning and laying beside him thinking how will I know when he goes with the Lord and I remember the sweet presence of the Lord in the room and how there were no words left for us to say.I kissed him good bye as I was going home to change clothes(I would walk the 4 blocks home - change and return ) and he moved his cheeks as he had no energy to speak. I always laid my head on his chest and would say pitter patter pooh- I love you. I got ready to leave (which was only a minute in our time)and went back to kiss him good bye again and when I laid my head on his shoulder he had already slipped away - He was calm and peaceful and silent and I am so glad the Lord gave us that gift together alone. We did not have to say good-bye.I do miss him but I would not ask the Lord to bring him back to this earthy world where sin has entered in and where stuff turns to dust and rust. Missing him is worth it because I have the joy of knowing where he is and who he is with.

huggles me, Meme who according to her spell check as made no mistakes--LOL but the punctuation is ---the picture is of the tornado that touched down about 24 miles north of Meme

Rain........

It is raining here today which is what we need--and so our rain is an answer to prayer.
God's blessing helps the earth grow our food and keeps us continually blessed. So often, we want to have only the sun-shine but if there are no storms we would not see our rainbows.
I feel like I am in midst of another storm right now as time is getting closer to the one year that my dear hubby has been gone- It seems like only yesterday that I held him in my arms and sang the song telling us that Jesus loved him. He loved Jesus too and had a personal faith that comforted him as he walked in the valley of death. Death came but could not steal him as his death was his victory in Jesus.
I know that the sun will shine in my heart again and that the rain will help me grow- and I will see the rainbow.
.please pray that as I seek His comfort that I will remember that I do not walk alone and there is sunshine after the rain.
huggles me, Meme

CANADA DAY

this is Dogman on a bad hair day--LOL--on his chair with his blanket.

• I had a nice quiet day and got some extra chores done


• took some book give aways out to papa's work shop


• and found this nice new little plastic cupboard


• it has 3 drawers and about 30 inches high


• so I put it together- not too hard but still had to learn


• the process- and now it has all those little plastic


• containers that I use for left-overs or lunches


• thanks = papa hubby.


• I like the way God leads me to little bits of joy-


• this is so handy and has wheels so Meme can


• have fun too-


• then I walked down to our local celebrations


• that was on from 2 to 7


• it was geared to kids and it was fun to watch


• them doing the wee races etc.


• I only saw one lady that I knew---


• I guess the old folks stayed home- LOL


• it was a nice outing - I did not stay until


• 7 p.m. as the music was not quite Meme style.


• I am glad that I can come here


• and talk to you on my good days and


• my bad days.......


• today was a good day :-)


• and I will share a picture of Dogman as


• I think I missed posting him here.
• huggles me- Meme

thinking my way out

• it has been a rough month for me-
• missing the papa man so much
• part of this is that Miss Ashley is gone so much now
• and that is how it should be.......
• I do not want her to have to baby sit Meme
• I want her to have a fun time in this part of her life
• there is still some growing to do
• and you can be grown up for a long time
• once all is said and done-
• my widow friend of three years came
• for tea day and she assured me that
• I am being normal considering the
• circumstances but boy normal
• sure can hurt......
• the days seem so long and then there are the nights
• the hardest part of day is shutting off the lights
• around the house-
• I am keeping my faith and following
• my Shepherd---
• I need to finish a few small business things
• and then it will be just me.
• I know that God is in control and I
• try very hard not to question Him about
• His plans---
• I am glad June is over....last June was the heavy
• month on the cancer journey ----it was
• all the endings of what dear papa hubby
• was able to do......it was the worst of times
• Tomorrow is new day and a new month
• I will carry on.......
• hugs from Meme

speechless week

I am having a speechless week --- there is not too much news and we have had a lot of sunshine
so most of the days are spent outside.
today I did walk down to a tea party for some friends who have been married
65 years -- and they are both still able to drive and get around quite well.
They have known me since my birth and really are the only folks left
who have known me that a long.
It was a lovely time for all and they enjoyed the day.
have a wonder filled week and Meme will be back soon

thoughts on grief

I belong to a christian grief group where a lady was feeling quite depressed- I did not send it directly to her as I realized that she required outside help which she received- this can apply to many types of grief of loss besides death.
this does talk about the death of my spouse but we have gone through other hard losses in our past. I remember when we discovered that all five of our kids( for me 3 are step but I only say that due to their age as I would feel very old having a 50 year old son-LOL) were doing drugs by choice- the loss of our innocence was severe and also no longer were we talking to them but to a drug almost defeated us.
However this note is not about them right and but I will share that burden at another time.
I will now share what I wrote on Father's day this year.
_______________________
I feel I have to go back to who my husband was and really ask my self the question---Is this what he would want me to keep in my mind--guilt and suicidal thoughts- etc. We have to be very careful what we allow into our grief. When these negative grief thoughts come I know that they are not in the honor of whom I had in my life for 42 years- there is so much to grief but grief should not destroy who I am- change me, yes, grief has done that but I am still me in the dark.

Because we are human we can not always recognize that some times what is normal is not always right for us to keep.I have wondered into these horrid thoughts and feelings and I know that they are not of the Lord. It is not wrong to sorrow and grieve but we need to know that the Lord has given us a sound mind.

We grieve because we loved so much but we have others to love too and we need to love and live and laugh for them. We will fall again and again but the Lord will keep picking us up. And sometimes we have to let Him hold us.

The Lord has ordained our days as well as our beloved. We are looking at the back of the weaving right now so we cannot see the picture nor can we understand. And someday when our Lord comes to take us home - then we will see the picture and we will not need to ask why.

There is no tears in heaven- only rejoicing with our Lord and Master and seeing our loved ones again. I know papa hubby would be disappointed if I allowed my self to continue thinking thoughts of guilt and suicide etc. I want to remember him with joy and sorrow and love and all the things he was too me. He never made me feel guilty in life and so his death does not make me feel guilty.

I am living and I want to honor him by being me. I laugh- I cry- I talk- I am quiet- I feel peace- I feel lost- I feel healing- I feel pain------------

Today he has been gone for 11 months and I miss him so much and especially today. However, as much as I miss him I have joy because I know where he is and I could not and would not ask for him to come back to this world.

There are no time limits for our grief. I do think that as my life goes on that my heart is healing but not healed. I am not sure that it will ever heal whole again. I am praying for all of my friends here and I want you to know that it is ok to feel joy and to laugh and to live-there can be joy in your sorrow.
I know that is what the spouses would tell us if they could and remember that God's word is there to tell us to carry how to carry on and even as we weep we have hope.
Hugs and Blessings,

Dogman's sin

I went out to his pee patch to scoop his poop- I was a few days behind which is ok as he has little poops--and goes to the same area which is private from walkers. And I discoverd that he had eaten a blue and white J clothe and pooped pieces out in his poop- there were big pieces and little pieces too and sigh-

I was so scared mad at him and me- I had forgot that he stole these in the old days so we quit using them. I had used a few half clothes for cleaning but only with vinegar and a little soap plus water in a spray bottle- because they are light they blow of the counter and he is such a scamp that he grabs and hides- We have disposed off any remaining clothes as I cannot let this happen again, and as Dogman has a short memory he will not remember the Meme tears.

I am praying that all of the clothe is pooped out now- it was some time last week when I used them and as I generally toss them away I did not notice anything missing- he does this with kleenex to so no one is allowed to blow a nose with out immediatley disposing of them in a deep garbage-I gave him the Meme talk and he wagged his tail laughing at me-He really did!!! -
sigh-hugs from Meme and Dogman wags

speechless thoughts

• papa hubby's daughter called tonight- (my step- daughter)
• she has not called me since papa's funeral day
• I knew why in my heart
• and I cannot call her as she has no phone
• she is staying at her daughter's right now
• so finally found courage to call
• she had gone back to the cocaine and
• was too ashamed to call...
• sigh
• my heart knew that --
• she is 48 and lives with abusive man
• but he supplies ---------
• sigh
• it was hard to talk to her for most of the 48 minutes
• that we talked as right now she is
• off the drug but not really in her mind-----
• I cannot save her
• I can only pray
• I have to sound cold as I cannot
• let her into my life
• nor enable her behaviors =
• I think that hurts more .........
• to know that some one who loves you,
• and some one you love----
• you have to let completely go.......
• I do not know when I will
• hear from her again
• so I have to give her to the Lord.
• Pray for Barbie
• hugs from Meme

A SHORT MEME NOTE

I am not lost but just trying to do what I can- here is a short Meme note and I will be back soon.****************-

I did get rid of the garbage that I got out for our sanitation man and now I have another bag for next week- if only papa hubby would have collected stamps--LOL but he was a wood crafter and a rock hound and every thing he had weighs a lot-plus I have a hairline fracture in my back and so I have to rethink everything that I do.

yesterday was the eldest daughters birthday and I gave her a gift from me plus I gave her a beautiful hand made mug that she gave her dad when she was around 4 years old. A sweet sorrow gift but I know it means a lot to her and also the fact that her dad used it for over 35 years. my friend make it and papa used it to store his bills etc for the month for all those years.

and so yes. I continue on ...........and I will skip the toss list.

huggles from Meme- today a year ago is the day that my husband left our home for good to go into pallitive care for the last time
- I am glad I have been able to let go of his things now- it is a bittersweet day but it is also a blessing for me as it releases my attachment to his things. I miss him.

Silent Sounds

• most days now my house is silent-
• and as I listen.....
• I can hear the silence.
• I no longer hear the sounds of two
• hearts beating together.
• I remember the last days with papa hubby
• and how I would lean against his chest
• to hear the pitter patter of his heart.
• it was the sound of hope.....
• it was the last sound I heard papa speak
• and then last time I listened
• all I heard was the sound of silence.
• He had left this world as quiet as
• the angels who came to take him home.
• I hear that silent sound now..........
• and I miss his sounds......
• and yet, I feel the sounds in my heart
• and I know that on the day that
• the sound of silence came to me
• that the bells in heaven rang.
• huggles me, Meme

blogging joy...

A few years ago I read a book by Barbara Johnson--one of many books she wrote but I do not remember which book she shared an idea of having a joy box- a place full of quotes and thoughts and jokes and stories that brought her joy. I made a joy book where I either wrote
down odds and ends or took news stories and glued them on a page. The idea is/was to have these things in place to read and reread
and plant your joy on those times when life feels joyless. I recall that eventually Barbara Johnson
had a whole room of joy makers.

I decided to make a blog here and share some old and some new joy stories. quotes and tales along with a scripture treasure- I will blog 5 or 6 times a week. The blog is a place to come for rest and to find some joy and hope seeds.
Each day is not long - just a moment or two to give you some joy.

the link is:
http://ablogofjoyandhope.blogspot.com/

and there is a picture of Meme on the side bar- I think Miss Ashley took it about 2 years ago. I know it was before the cancer journey.

Please come in and visit and follow me.

When the time is right...

• my bedroom is looking pretty cozy and meme like
• there are many things in here that papa hubby gave me
• and also things that we shared together...
• papa was a tool man so he seldom had a lot of
• his things in here- our closets are too small to
• fit both on us in---so he used the spare room closet
• and I used my/our room for my clothes-
• the sweaters we shared were in his closet
• so the closet did not require any changes-
• I found one of his tools called a plainer(sp)
• which is hand held and small so I am using it for
• a book end. I like it as he used it often while
• making his canes......so lots of DNA
• I can still only do so much at a time and
• only deal with certain things yet.
• But I am moving forward step by step
• because I know that is what papa hubby
• asked me to do. He was very strong spoken that
• the things he left behind are of this world
• and that I am to take care of myself.
• Because of my health I know that this house
• is too much for me to deal with and that
• I will have to move in a couple of years.
• I know that I need to start the steps......
• in order to be able to complete this
• before I have to leave here.
• It is sad to know that I will be letting
• our home go but it is also exciting to know
• that I can make a new home for Meme.
• It takes time to remove the detachments of papa
• hubby's things because it is hard to remind me
• that these are now my things and if I keep them all
• I am the one responsible.
• The wonderful thing is that papa is not missing
• his things- or noticing his things going- or wants his things to
• be kept for him. I know that he has his treasures in heaven
• from Jesus- no pain- no suffering- no tears- no sadness
• and he is not alone- He is with his Lord and Savior who
• taught us all to not store our treasures on earth
• for they will rust and turn to dust.
• God's treasures are eternal.
• God will give me and you strength to do
• what needs to be done when the time is right.
• God is our time keeper.
• Wait for the Lord..........Psalm 27:14

Monday June 8

• I have been a grandma 21 years - today
• It seems like yesterday that I was a new mother
• and now I have passed the grandma test.
• -----------
• I had a quiet day and put the kitchen back in order
• it is amazing how many things come out at night....
• so it was like a 52 pick up game
• but now everything is back in place.
• I made some porcupine chili-
• I need to stay away from beans right now
• re the tummy
• but this recipe is just as good as the ordinary chili
• -----------
• 1 pound hamburger-
• 1/2 uncooked rice
• 1 can tomato soup
• 1 can water
• 1 can diced tomatoes *not drained
• 1/4 cup tomato sauce
• extra water if needed
• brown hamburger in pan and drain fat off, add the rest of the
• ingredients- and bring to simmer- now you can choose to either put
• in oven at 300F or continue to simmer on stove for about one hour.
• keep lid on which ever cooking method you choose.
• when I do this on stove top I find I need to add an extra can of water- I
• like the oven but today it was the stove- you can also do this in slow cooker but
• change water to 3/4 can -I don't remember how long the slow cooker takes.
• you can also double the recipe-
• makes a great supper with buns and salad
• and leftovers make good sloppy joes for the next day.
• ---------
• I did do more than just make supper but I cannot see it--LOL
• chores have away of coming undone and also repeating themselves.
• hugs from Meme

that dear granddaughter

• yesterday the grand daughter was off to see family on her birth
• dad's side--sometimes I get confused so I do wonder how she keeps
• every one in her mind.
• she came home before mid night which means Oma was still
• up and had not turned into a pumpkin--LOL.
• now for some reason she kept tempting me away from
• my room - but I kept coming back-
• and she kept tempting me with things she needed or needed done
• and as it was getting closer to midnight-
• Oma finally fell for the
• maid for a minute or two........
• .Oma knows when to give up....in...over...
• so off I went to do maid duty and
• suddenly I hear strange noises in my room and as
• noises are generally not found in my room and
• as I have completed the maid for a minute job.....
• (which took more minutes than I planned )
• I return to discover my grand daughter standing
• on a stool in a rather strange position
• and in some danger according to Oma-- but I
• look up to see that she had put some words
• on my wall - all in fancy letters- first
• done on a special machine and then put on
• where ever one wants them to go and
• well no, Oma did not cry......
• I saved the tears for later......because this is what the words
• say.....
• JESUS LOVES YOU
• GOD BLESS YOU
• SEE YOU IN THE MORNING
• LOVE PAPA
• these were the words that papa hubby always
• closed the day with ......either tucking g'kids into bed
• or going to his bed at night,
• even the cancer could not take all the words
• from him as he would struggle for breath
• to finish.......
• She has them displayed so that when I lay
• down at night or wake up in the morning
• I will see the words from his heart.
• God bless my Miss Ashley

clearing out the bedroom...

I got a lot of things done today because we have rain that is also snow at times so it was not fit day for man or beast to go outside. I did clear out at least 50 things since I started to sort out the bedroom..I just put down check marks as I do not want to get bogged down with lists. I know myself too well- some is gone, some things went to where they really belonged, and some is going to be given away as soon as I get a good day for travel. The main thing is that it has all left my bedroom.
I have some of my things, some of our things and a few things of papa hubby's for decor.I am a not matchie-pooh lady so if it is something that brings me joy I have it in here.I fixed up the DVD player so I can relax and watch my/our favorite DVDs- (( I set it up all by myself and it works). I still think in terms of ''ours'' often.
It is still half bed-room and half-office. Office really means where I have my laptop and is where I write notes to my friends. I do the bills out in the dining room. I call it office only to feel more official. (smile)
My bedroom is now peaceful and filled with memories of me and we. There are special moments when I think- here I am safe, and I feel joy again. And even though- life is not fair and often hard I have made a place where I can have moments of peace. Moments where I can just 'be me''.
Because of the grief there has not been a lot of room for emotional baggage to stay. Cancer has a way of changing one's ambitions and priorities. For me, the only real thing that matters now is to love and to notice and value the small moments of joy in my life. Things like the sunbeams on my kitchen floor, a walk to no where, my dog's tail wagging, smiling at strangers before they smile at me.........
I have learned with a deep awareness to find the things that really matter now. I have the need to learn and to grow, and to be all of who I am/ was meant to be. And as I share my blanket of memories with friends and ''you'', my prayer is that you will be blessed.

hugs from Meme

Meme's content day

• I had a content day here both in body and mind-
• I think I was just happy to be at the end of all the tests
• and appointments and with results that I can live with..
• I have been sick for over 2 years now and so
• glad that the Lord gave me manna strength to take
• care of dear papa
• I did some amazing things with and for him
• things that I could have never done on my own...
• God is good.
• I am not stressed with the medical results.
• I got groceries today and it was book club -
• last one until September
• I did not finish the last book as it had
• too many things in it that I do not believe-
• and things against God's word.
• one of our questions today was ??
• what do we think heaven is like....
• and my answer was that I know that it will
• be a wonderful place because Jesus will be there.
• I did not answer a lot of the questions
• but when someone said that none of us know
• about heaven so it is really up to our imagination
• I did say that I know what God's
• promises are re heaven and the place He is preparing
• for me/us-- I was very careful to word the statement
• as a witness as all the ladies do not think
• that whole Bible is true- sigh-
• it was a tough meeting as sometimes
• I felt very disregarded for my belief and faith
• but honored that I was free to speak..
• but I know that what God says-God does.
• we did have giggles too and I am praying
• for those ladies to find the true Jesus.
• I am sad that the world is rejecting
• God and his promises--
• Anne Frank said these words..
• I DON'T THINK OF ALL THE MISERY, BUT OF ALL THE BEAUTY
• THAT STILL REMAINS.
• Let us keep an eye out for His beauty.
• hugs from Meme

And the doctor said.......

Finally got the to see the doctor re my tummy and this is my story--ignore any thing that mentions cancer as I am ok there- however I do not know how to delete all the info and still make sense--

1. Barrett's Esophagus Barrett's esophagus. Barrett's esophagus (BE) leads to abnormal changes in the cells of the esophagus.
About 10% of patients with symptomatic GERD have BE. In some cases, BE develops as an advanced stage of erosive esophagitis. While obesity, alcohol use, and smoking have all been implicated as risk factors for Barrett's esophagus, their role remains unclear. Only the persistence of GERD symptoms indicates a higher risk for BE.
Not all patients with BE have either esophagitis or symptoms of GERD. In fact, studies suggest that more than half of people with BE have no GERD symptoms at all. BE, then, is likely to be much more prevalent and probably less harmful than is currently believed.
. When BE patients develop abnormalities of the mucus membrane cells lining the esophagus (dysplasia), the risk of cancer rises significantly. There is some evidence that acid reflux may contribute to the development of cancer in BE.

2. plus...
this is the second problem most likely due to the first problem--dysphagia
If the esophagus becomes severely injured over time, narrowed regions called strictures can develop, which may impair swallowing (a condition known as dysphagia). Stretching procedures or surgery may be required to restore normal swallowing. Strictures may actually prevent other GERD symptoms, by stopping acid from traveling up the esophagus. I also have neurogical problems in the muscles of the esophagus and this also has too be watch closely in case I lost my breath as I need these muscles to work when I breath-- It has a name too but I lost it some where in my head-

3. a H. hernia about 1 inch--

--
there is things that could be done but I told him that I am just not emotionally or physically well enough to make any decisions right now and so I will see him again on September 3 where he will explain my options. He also gave me a new prescription that should help some. My option right now is to ask for prayer. I would like to spend a joyful summer eating and with no pain. I am too thin now and need to build up my strength-- the reason I am so tired is that I am not getting enough calories due to my high metabolism and severe tummy problems .
and that is my story- and I will be back soon with another tale-
hugs from Meme who so appreciates her friends and the prayers.

surviving cancer

• I am following some women on blogs
• who are fighting and surviving
• breast cancer.
• I had a mammogram yesterday and I am sure that all is well
• as there were no indications of problems but it was my time...
• it was not too bad to have my cups turned into saucers
• I notice over the years so may improvements in the
• way the mammogram are done that it is so easy and
• almost pain free- and the wee amount of pain is worth
• the knowledge of knowing how you are doing.
• and it takes very little time, so " no time '' is
• not an excuse.
• My grand daughter asked me about mammograms today
• about when she should have one?
• of course, she has many years to go before
• she needs to have a mammogram but I got
• a chance to tell her how to check her breasts
• and that she should be checking
• at least once a month
• and what to look for--
• I gave her some web sites that are good for
• showing her what to do and in pictures.
• so the mammogram that I had was worth it
• to me and to her as it opened a door.
• Ladies- go have your mammogram if it is
• past due.
• Do it in honor of the ladies fighting breast cancer.
• and do it for your family. It is a good thing.
• and even though death ended papa hubby's
• cancer journey; I feel we both were cancer survivors.
• --hugs from Meme

cherrio blessings

I saw this quote the other day and it gave me a heart cheerio so
I thought that I would pass it on.

''You can touch my dust, but please don't write in it.''

author unknown but
I am sure the author was not Martha Stewart-LOL

I pray that each of you will take some time each day
to laugh. Remember when we were kids and we would
giggle at nothing. Too often we forget to use the
cheerios in our day. God often sends these cherrios as blessings
to heal our hearts.
Have a great rest of the week - and laugh a lot.

happy hugs from Meme

PAPA'S DRIVEWAY

When we first moved into this house our backyard where we parked was a muddy weed mixed with grass bog. Every time it rained we had to walk through or around puddles to get to the car. The kids always had dirty socks and fun playing in the puddles. And every winter was a night mare to get out of the yard.
We did not have the money to spend on fixing a drive way as there were always other needs. About ten years ago, papa decided that he wanted to fix the drive way so that we could get in and out with more ease and also escape the mud. We had no money so papa went to our local gravel yard with his truck and started bringing gravel home. They had a special pile of crushed gravel that was free if you loaded it yourself. He loaded it by shovel and unloaded and we needed many loads as we only had a half-ton and a big space to fill.
Once he got the gravel here- he then unloaded it by hand and started to make our drive-way.-It was hard work as he not only trucked in the gravel for the driveway, unloaded it but he also packed the gravel by hand. We could not afford to rent a packer. He made a special packer from his imagination that worked well so that our drive way was compact. He made the driveway wide enough for 2 vehicles plus wide path ways and brought it right to the balcony so we had no puddles to wade through.
-Because gravel settles into the mud he had to do this 3 times that summer and then the next summer he repeated the whole process twice. He was a hard worker and did all this in his spare time. He continued to add more gravel for two more summers and pack it by hand until he had the perfect driveway for our truck and car.All his neighbors were amazed that one man would and could do all that work by hand.
Every year a few weeds sneak in trying to grow in the gravel and papa would go after them with his weed killer.This year the weeds came again- not a lot but enough to annoy me and also if they are let go our drive way will become a weed garden and I was not willing to see that happen. Today I went out and dug out all the weeds by hand-- I do not know how to operate papa's weed pump and so I simply dug them out with a meat fork so that I could also get the roots. I filled a 5 gallon pail packed with the weeds.
It was a hard job kneeling on the gravel but it felt so good- I had such peace and joy to be doing something to honor papa hubby by keeping his drive way up to speed. I felt his joy of when he made the driveway.His joy was/is my joy.

HUGS FROM MEME

A WONDER DAY......

• I had a wonderful birthday yesterday.
• both daughters called---
• my brother called me and I received
• many many emails and I know a snail mail
• is coming soon too---
• and friends brought us over supper
• and although they could not stay
• for supper they had time for a visit-
• so it was a very good day for Meme
• I was blessed to write the ''Birthday Story''.
• even though it was bittersweet
• it was a day I wanted to share-
• as my gift to you.
• last year this time there was no time
• to write the story and the timing was not right.
• weather wise we had rain and sleet and snow and gray skies
• and then after supper a blue sky with some sunshine-and -clouds.
• it reminded me of this new journey-----
• that I am on.....we got through the weather yesterday
• and I will get through this journey -
• blue skies peeking through among the gray-
• sometimes rain and sometimes sun.
• all the things I need to grow.
• now Meme has overdone for her age-
• and I need to have an early rest tonight.
• Thank you for the wonderful greetings and
• for your gifts of prayer and encouragement
• that you have blessed me with this last year.
• hugs from Meme

A BIRTHDAY STORY

last year this time was my big 60 birthday
papa hubby had been looking forward to this date
since the day I turned 59 as he liked the fact
that we would be in the same decade--LOL
both in our sixties- this only happened for a year
and a bit as he was nearly 9 years older than me
but of course - last year was our cancer journey
and his plans had to go on hold........
but papa was not one to be defeated by cancer
when he made plans he made plans --
= so he talked to the pastor
and with ease- convinced the pastor to have
a cake at the church for me----the pastor had
to tell me a few days ahead of time as there
was no guarantee that papa would have the strength
to go to church that day---so it was decided that
I would go----with out him and Miss Ashley would
stay with papa-----but papa hubby was determined
to go and so Bonnie and I took him but late so that
he would have enough strength ---to last an hour or two-
we took him there with great care- and parked as
close to the front door we could so he did not have
to walk one step more than was needed-
he was very weak by then and taking a small step
was hard work ........
we got there and the deacons were waiting for him
and me and they helped him into the sanctuary
and because the pastor knew papa and I had
to come late to conserve his energy
he gave papa hubby a nice welcome as
papa had not been able to go since April
our church is small enough to do that
and every one knew papa hubby and his journey-
after the service we had cake in the main foyer
and we put papa hubby on a chair
everyone came to see him and shake his hand
he was so blessed
and it was a ''good bye'' time for him
and his friends
yes, it was my birthday and we ate cake too
but the day was really a honoring of David
we knew that there would be no more
Sunday outings for him as he could
barely walk- and sitting required too much
energy
and he got to see his two daughters in church
as the Ashley invited them too
and we all stood there around papa hubby
some one bought me flowers to add
to papa's special cake
it was a nice time and not long
as we/they knew papa was too weak
we brought him home and
he was so tired but happy
happy to give me a surprise and
happy to see his friends again
happy that his plans happened-
we both knew it was his last time
we knew that he could not walk much longer
his legs were like stove pipes( that is what the doctors call them
and his tummy
make him look pregnant as his body grew a water blister
around his cancer thinking to protect it from
the foreign body-(cancer does this to some patients)
also
he was going through
his chemo side effects but God gave him the strength
to go one more time -
looking back is bittersweet - but with thanksgiving
it is a birthday I will always remember-
his family all together and his church friends
shaking his hand and hugs and kisses
and praying for him and with him
it was a wonderful moment in time
that will always be in my heart
so that is my birthday story
and now today is another birthday
a new year for me...
and I am learning to live with out papa David
to celebrate the moments-
to count my blessings and
not the candles-
and to share the memories
that I hold in my heart.
hugs from Meme

SNOW DAY HERE

that is right- we got the SNOW and it is still on the ground- about 2 inches and maybe more tonight-we were organized enough to bring in Miss Ashley's planter boxes that had already come up- and the ones that were too big for us to lift I covered with glass windows(old and was going to toss but decided to keep for this very reason--LOL) and then blankets- I can only hope that this is warm enough to save them for her- now she knows why Oma says not to plant seeds in this part of Alberta before May 15- I know that the seeds can be replanted but she did it with such joy and excitement that I am praying to save them for her- on the grand scale of things this is small but to see Miss Ashley have joy is joy to me------so I shoveled snow today and also took advantage of the snow day to do nothing. I did tidy as I did normal daily living so the house is no worse than yesterday night and maybe even a little better.

hugs for SNOWY ALBERTA CANADA

sunshine adventure

• Miss Ashley got out papa hubby's big sander today
• and worked on a old
• bench we have on our front lawn-
• the sander is bigger that she is- well, almost
• but she tried hard and did well
• another day we will paid it---
• when I was watching her I could see that she was
• taking what she remembered papa doing...........
• we have to put on some new sand paper -
• once we find it-
• she knew to use the wire brush first to take off
• the loose flakes of paint etc-before sanding
• she did not finish but she will.....
• she is quite possessive of papa's shop
• and only wants me or her in it yet-
• but she will grow as she fiddles with his things
• and Oma aka Meme will watch and
• bite her tongue and pray-
• other than safety measures I do not comment ---
• I oiled our board walk that is beside the house
• it is quite a job and something papa hubby always
• did but I watched him too ---
• and it looks fine now that it is done
• = the oil is to protect it from the rain
• and snow - papa made it for me to put my flower
• boxes on etc-
• speaking of snow - we were promised some tonight-
• and where was the boy who is a friend??!
• while Miss Ashley and I did our papa things
• sitting on the front step watching us--LOL
• and this is a good lesson to teach us adults
• that children do watch what we do..even
• when we think they are not-----and so
• I am glad that the things Miss Ashley
• watched her papa grandpa do were
• good things--
• saw this wee blessing in a old book
• and I want to share it with you---
• A prayer for you is said today
• May the love of God ever with you stay;
• Where ever you are-
• What ever you do-
• May the blessinig of God rest on you.
• hugs from Meme

A WILD RIDE,,

neither Miss Ashley and I can drive but we have papa hubby's car which I gave to Ashley- we have to start it now and then and so we sat in it today with Dogman and listened to the tape that papa had in the tape deck- it was the old country music and yodeling by a lady singer that papa enjoyed- we turned it up high and then Ashley backed the car up to the end of the drive way and then parked it again- LOLwe had such fun making a memory and sharing memories-Dogman enjoyed the ride too...and I am sure the neighbors are in grief now watching and listening to us--the tape has sat in there for two winters now and played as good as new-
hugs from Meme

end of the week

• times seems to fly by when one is not feeling well
• but I did accomplish a lot of little things this week
• ran into things of papa hubby's again
• and it always a hard decision to decide
• what to do with his things-
• do I toss it?
• do I keep it?
• do I sell it?
• do I give it away?
• and I find things of mine too
• but the decision is easier
• because it does not hold old memories
• Papa always had a vision
• to use what ever he kept
• some day was a day of the week
• to papa--LOL
• and he did make some great things.....
• he just had that kind of imagination.......
• I have started my crocheting again
• found the crochet cotton I forgot I had..
• this is a nice red - and - I am just doing
• a granny square table cloth--it will be about
• 33 by 33 as that fits my table
• that I want to put it one...
• it is a little over half done and I will have enough
• to do one more- and I plan to use it(them)
• in any season as Christmas is all year
• in my heart...the next one I make I
• will attempt a pattern but my
• right side brain is not working with
• the left side yet...
• grief not only steals your joy many days
• but it also steals your rememberer--
• I discovered today that I am one day
• younger than I thought--LOL
• I thought my birthday was this coming Monday
• but it is really this coming Tuesday-
• I will write a birthday tale from last year
• on my birthday-----
• stay tuned because it is a good story
• that I have not told yet--
• Meme must go now
• and I will be back-
• big canadian hugs from Meme

A MOMENT WITH MEME

• I am here but I have been off sick
• just having some major tummy problems
• and will eventually see the specialist again
• I have had 2 appointments in the last few weeks
• and both have been cancelled by the doctor
• so now May 22 is the next appointment
• also have a burst of grief -
• mother's day was hard for me as papa hubby
• always made a wonder day for me
• I shall be back soon with a tale
• or two-
• and share some more memories that
• cannot fade-
• hugs from a windy rain snow cold night-
• which reminds me of this verse-
• ---the wind blows where it wishes, and you hear the sound of it,
• but cannot tell where it comes from and where it goes. So is everyone
• who is born of the spirit. John 3:8 NKJV
• good night, friends
• from Meme

book club day

• today was our monthly book club at the library
• where a bunch of us get together and giggle
• and sometimes discuss the book and it does not
• matter if we have read it or not-
• we do not take ourselves or the books seriously
• and have tea and fun and chat
• this is one of the few things that papa hubby
• and I did not do together- it open to men
• and women but so far no men have stayed
• beyond the first meeting --LOL
• none of us can imagine why?!
• it was good to get out and giggle about
• life and things and eat cookies with no calories
• I did settle last night after writing my blog
• writing things out helps me to rest my mind
• Miss Ashley cut Dogman's hair with the clippers
• but he will not let her/me do his legs so he
• looks rather funny- he usually looks like
• a cross between a feather duster and a mop
• and now he looks like he is wearing leggings
• she gave him a shower too and then we
• left him alone for another day...
• we chatted about how we miss telling
• papa hubby these things of every day life
• and I find when I write my papa stories
• that I loose a little drop of pain---
• have a wonder night and I am going shopping
• with a friend tomorrow so if I do not come in
• tomorrow-- look for me at the local wal-mart
• and remember that:
• ''''Neither death, nor life, nor angels,nor rulers, nor
• things to come........will be able to separate us from the
• love of God. Romans 8:38-39

widow thoughts

• I am restless tonight and just thinking about


• the way we were and wondering how to be a widow!?


• I was raised to be a wife-


• and although we talked about one of us


• leaving first


• it was always a some day conversation
• about when ever that would happen
• it was in the future but it was not reality
• we made our wills to take care of each other
• but it was a some day thought
• and now some day came and went
• and I am here and papa hubby is not
• the hardest thing to do is to take his name off of things
• some things I can leave for now - and
• it is unreal to walk downtown with his
• death certificate in my purse
• I only carry it if I have too and I
• simply cannot read it--sigh--
• he made sure that I would be left ok
• and that nothing would be in my way
• as I follow this track on
• a new journey but alone
• my heart rejoices that he is with the Lord
• and that the Lord knew best
• but my heart just hurts
• I had a fear that I might not remember him
• every day- that some how I might forget how we were
• and then I read another widow's journey
• and realized that God will keep papa hubby's
• memories in my heart
• God will keep me safe in the love that we had
• because love is stronger than death
• hugs from Meme

simple supper and day

we had a few spring showers this evening so soon the flowers
will start to grow
some green grass is peeking through
I love spring and our spring is late this year
playing peek a boo........
I had a simple day ....and made some chilimac for supper
it is quite simple-
(1 pound) hamburger
brown the hamburger - drain extra fat- add tomato soup-
1 can water
and a wee bit of pizza or spaghetti sauce
I added half a cup and then add 1 tablespoon chili powder
this is a recipe from Meme's head so the details are
kind of sketchy- (wink)
bring to low boil-and added another cup of hot water
and add 1 cup of macaroni
cook(low) for 20 minutes-
mixture should just have tiny bubbles or
it will burn.........
(this can be made in the oven also but my
oven is not working right now)
and serve to two teen age-rs-
help your self first as there will be no left-overs
we shredded some cheese as topping and also
would have had sour cream but we were out-LOL
we had no healthy salad or veggies but we had buns :-)
this was just a fun meal for Oma who was
taking some time off to enjoy her simple day-
one pan to wash....
you can double this recipe etc- and it will thicken
as it cooks..........
hugs from Meme aka Oma

jammie day

• Meme had a jammie day which is another way of saying I did not
• want to get all dressed up with no place to go----
• every once and a while and some times more often
• I just putter about doing the chores in my jammies
• they are quite cosy and comfortable and respectable too
• I had planned on having a do nothing day until
• I made the mistake of entering the doom room
• which translated is the room where Miss Ashley resides
• I decided to check under the clothes and see if the rug
• was still there and then I did the Oma thing
• Oma-s can do these things that mothers should never do
• I did her laundry- as a gift to her
• she was sad today and went to work sad
• due to some family issues and because it is better
• for Oma- to say less sometimes I decided to give
• her the gift of clean laundry---
• I also freshened her blankets by tossing them into
• the dryer with that vanilla smell she so loves-
• the things that made her sad did work out partly
• but not enough to heal her hurts
• and we just have to continue to pray
• for her and them - she comes from a split home
• back ground and is often stuck in the middle
• of problems which belong to others who should know better-
• I do not do these things for her
• often but I felt that it was a
• cheerio that she needed at this time
• --she was still quite emotionally needy tonight
• but has settled now in her clean bed
• and oh yes, the rug is still there--LOL-
• pray for her heart to be healed as she has
• been broken for so long
• hugs from Meme

spring in our yard

yesterday and today were good weather days here and so
we began to clean up the yard and do spring chores
Miss Ashley and I did a lot of work and the boy who is
a friend lent us a hand but I must say we are much more
intent- he is a good helper for lifting and watching_LOL
we did a lot and we both sure missed papa hubby here
we trimed trees and raked leaves and cleaned - and cleaned
I am a year behind as last spring papa was our priority-
it was nice working together and discussing papa memories
the church misses him a lot too
as he did the yard work there too
but I will not be able to take over that job
Miss Ashley did plant some flower seeds but I think she is
rushing Alberta weather- but this is how she learns and there is
always a chance that we will not get a spring snow in May--LOL
she also topped some of the trees that papa planted when a
grand child was born - so we have a few
she is strong- Oma could hardly pick up the trimmers but she
did a good job- and would have passed papa's inspection -
the boy who is a friend and the future husband
made supper and burned it and burned it--LOL
smoke and smoke and more smoke
we ate it anyway as we workers were hungry
but a tough frying pan mess- sigh- he used two so
we still have two frying pans soaking -
I think one should not cook if there is a hockey game on TV
but every thing will come out in the wash and the smoke
has disapated so we do not run into one and other -LOL
good night, all--happy spring
hugs from Meme aka Oma

Meme skipping

Meme is skipping.....
alas- not exercising but skipping the Internet
my hours seem to be short this last week or two
and it is not the weather of spring yet
we have had some snow nearly every day
so our spring chores are delayed
and I am not accomplishing a lot but I
am content to do next to nothing
for a while
on Tuesday I stayed in jammies and bed with tea and crackers
and the dog and had a nice rest
napped and channel changed=
it was of good of papa hubby to leave the remote here--LOL
I am feeling like the stone of grief has moved from my heart
and although the grief is there I can see light -
I laugh more now and I am seeing pieces of Meme
coming back.....I know that papa hubby would want that
his name is no longer on the member list at church because
he moved on--
that was a big step for me to realize that he has no earthly
cares and pain and grief- and he left so much joy behind
plus a lot wood and rocks and saws and tools and magazines
and his model cars and so on and so on
and precious memories-
I was thinking of one tale
tonight which I will share soon and
we can laugh together=
How good God is............
sharing a unknown author's thoughts

''the Lord is my shepherd,
my Father and friend
He comforts me in loneliness
His kindness knows no end-
He fills my home with memories
and quiet thoughts to keep,
He fills my heart with hope
and joy and peace...
as I face the world again --
hugs from Meme

the me in Meme

• some little things about me that I may have told before
• but they are worth telling again :-)
• 1./ I love colored socks- any color but the brighter the better
• I do have one pair of white socks but only wear them in case
• of an emergency--
• 2./ I like sugar in my tea- unless it is strong tea that someone makes- I
• generally like my tea medium - I go by the color- LOL
• 3./ I am skinny as a bean pole and have always been on the thin side
• daddy was slim as well as his sister- my brother weights twice what I
• weigh but he is taller and he weighs 200 pounds
• 4./now you know that I have one brother - mom and dad are gone - I have 2
• daughters and 6 grandchildren
• 5./ I was born in the same town that I live now-
• but I was raised on a farm out west- not quite the wild west but close and
• I live in Alberta, Canada and have never been out of Canada-
• 6./I have been a christian since 1987 and have never looked back- the old
• life is gone and I am a new creation- The Lord is my shepherd.

that is all folks for this time- hugs from Meme