Thursday, August 13, 2009

Not in Control

  • I have always been a A to Z type of lady who likes things to go
  • step by step in order so when ( December 19, 2007) the phone rang
  • and papa hubby said-- ''honey, I have terminal cancer and there
  • is nothing the doctor can do but keep me comfortable'';
  • my world
  • ended as I knew it and I stepped into the unknown.
  • It was the worst of the worst and the shock just overwhelmed me/
  • First of all, we did not expect the results the same day that
  • the tests were done-or I would have been with David but
  • I had a dental appointment we had made some time ago
  • and due to the problem being my dentures; I had to leave
  • the bottom teeth behind and come home semi-toothless. but
  • most of all we never expected the words terminal and nothing
  • to be added to the words---''you have cancer.
  • I do not drive so I was expecting my grand daughter to come
  • later to take me to the hospital.
  • I remember that waiting.......we had not set a certain time
  • so all I had to do was be ready and wait.
  • Those few hours were the most agonizing hours I spent
  • during David's cancer journey-and in our marriage.
  • I remember being able to do [nothing] and
  • laying on the kitchen floor sobbing with Dogman
  • - I could not think or breath or call for help-
  • I was totally helpless and alone-
  • I remember begging God to help us and show me what to do
  • I remember the kids were later than I expected
  • and I did not know who to tell so I told no one.
  • I remember wondering how I would be able to tell anyone?
  • What words do you say- ? How do you explain terminal to
  • your children and your grand children.? what does ''nothing
  • really mean? what does comfortable mean ?
  • What do you say to friends - family- ? How do you
  • tell them a story that you cannot believe in?
  • I knew David was not alone as our pastor called
  • and said he would stay with him- but my heart was
  • broken and alone.
  • I remember that I had not melted down
  • like a confused child since I had left home
  • over 40 years ago. And I remember that I could only lay
  • there and sob and beg- I remember the patterns of
  • saw dust on the rug which was part of papa as he was
  • a wood worker and sawdust followed him-every where
  • I looked I saw proof of papa hubby existence -
  • The kids did come and we left and I said nothing
  • Ashley was napping in the backseat when the boy
  • who is a friend asked about papa and I do not
  • remember his questions but I know the words I said
  • were --yes-- and ---no.
  • I remember Ashley crying out about what I meant
  • and I remember that I had only 3 miles to tell her
  • and I knew I could not lie--I could not soften the blow
  • I had to tell her that her papa was too sick to get better
  • I remember we were crying and some how we got to that
  • city hospital and found money for parking and
  • then we went off to find our papa- we dream walked
  • and set smiles on our broken hearts---
  • I still remember his smile when we walked in and I
  • remember him saying ''lets all cry together and then we
  • will be ok'. and we
  • some how managed to crawl into his bed
  • and hold each other and cry - and I knew that from
  • that minute onward that no matter what happened we
  • would survive because love held us together.
  • I still did not understand that David's death meant survival
  • for him but that is another story.
  • And I knew that we could not control what was happening=
  • because there were no more rules to follow and the steps
  • were not ours to make- the alphabet was scrambled.
  • and that God was in control and that we would
  • follow Him through the valley and up the mountain.
  • We would fall and we would stumble but we kept following
  • to the end of the journey for David and the beginning of
  • a journey for me.
  • some would wonder why the doctor would be so brutally honest
  • but David was the kind of guy who wanted to know all--
  • even what he did not want to hear-,
  • And so our journey began with no map or plans-
  • and nothing to pack-------
  • but we were blessed because
  • The Lord was our shepherd!

1 comment:

Terry said...

dearest meme...i have just got up and have to go out but i will be back and then write to you.
you are a real soldier...that i must say....love terry