Wednesday, May 6, 2009

widow thoughts

  • I am restless tonight and just thinking about

  • the way we were and wondering how to be a widow!?

  • I was raised to be a wife-

  • and although we talked about one of us

  • leaving first

  • it was always a some day conversation
  • about when ever that would happen
  • it was in the future but it was not reality
  • we made our wills to take care of each other
  • but it was a some day thought
  • and now some day came and went
  • and I am here and papa hubby is not
  • the hardest thing to do is to take his name off of things
  • some things I can leave for now - and
  • it is unreal to walk downtown with his
  • death certificate in my purse
  • I only carry it if I have too and I
  • simply cannot read it--sigh--
  • he made sure that I would be left ok
  • and that nothing would be in my way
  • as I follow this track on
  • a new journey but alone
  • my heart rejoices that he is with the Lord
  • and that the Lord knew best
  • but my heart just hurts
  • I had a fear that I might not remember him
  • every day- that some how I might forget how we were
  • and then I read another widow's journey
  • and realized that God will keep papa hubby's
  • memories in my heart
  • God will keep me safe in the love that we had
  • because love is stronger than death
  • hugs from Meme


Anonymous said...

Letting go is SO difficult. When my Dad passed away several years ago, I had the hardest time changing my call display from "Mom and Dad" to just "Mom." I think that I felt if I deleted his name, I might forget him, and I didn't want to do that. But the old saying is true - time does heal all wounds, and I find that after many years, I still remember the sound of his voice, his laughter, his smile and his frowns! He really has never left - he walks beside me each day. And for sure he was with me as I underwent treatment. God doesn't take them away from us - he shares them!

Diane said...

Oh dear Meme, I can so empathize with you! Your writing seems so familiar to me, it could have been written by my own hand. Even when it came time to involve Hospice, I just didn't think it was going to be NOW, it was going to be LATER.

I keep Terry's Death Certificate filed away and only take it out if needed. One of the hardest things for me was my first doctor's visit after his passing. It was a new doctor and I had to do all the paperwork. They asked for my marital status. Without thinking, I checked married before I realized that I am considered a widow now. I am no longer considered married. Except to myself, I suppose. Because I cannot imagine ever being anything but 'married' to my dear Terry.

I am so thankful for my memories, so thankful that I hold that piece of Terry in my heart and that no one can take that from me. I pray daily that the Lord won't let me lose my memories. Both my Mom and my maternal grandmother suffered with Alzheimers befoer their passing. I so much do not want to lose my memories of Terry!

Thank you so much for sharing your grief experience. I have gained so much encouaragement from visiting you. My heart and my prayers are with you.

Many hugs..........


Terry said...

dear meme...i just got off the phone with my sister, grace.
when she was 24...her husband, eric left for heaven and she still had four little babies..she is 50 now and still misses him..she says that the hardest time and the loneliest time is in the evenings.
this is the only extent that i can even enter into yours or audrey's or diane's feelings...through my sister, grace...if i feel this sad, i can only imagine how you girls feel...oh the blessed promise though that you will meet again....grace still wears her wedding ring...blessings to you terry

ps thanks so much for adding your name to my followers meme.