it is about time

I am still in the battle-
in January I had radiation for the secondary cancer
to hold it back from spreading into my collar bone-
it did help

this week I have a pet scan to see if they can find the primary
cancer and then see if they can treat it-

the chemo did so much damage that now it is too dangerous to try
again for some time

I am weak and tired from the body fighting the cancer that we
cannot find- sigh
I seldom come to the computer and it took me a while to remember
my password or even where to find it-
so much of my life has slowed down now
i send hugs and love with prayers - Meme

dear friends

I have been in the hospital since November the 10 and finally came home today- I had a severe chemo crash and also a infected bowel caused by the chemo and came very close to going home to the Lord but He choose to heal me slowly- I am a miracle patient as they were not expecting me to live past the first day and called my family in- but God did not take me home yet- I am very weak and was very sick but as my platelets dropped to poing 6 which is not a good thing and also having the infection and nothing to fight it with- They had a new cancer drug they brought in to use and God used the drug as a miracle-
I will write more when I can and I will try to find a way for Miss Ashley to write here for me=
I was too sick to explain to her how to find the blog - I am just blessed to be able to tell you this in person- life is very different for me now as I need to be cared for rather than be a care giver
this cancer is fighting my body and taking a lot out of me but God will decide and His plans are best for me although I do not really like them at the moment
I will update when I can- I spent 42 days in the hospital so I am just finding my blogs again-
thanks for praying and please continue-
love Meme

I am ok ---chemo

here I am full of medicine and chemo but I am ok-- very tired! Nurse Crash-it is doing a good job aka Miss Ashley=I just came in to say hello and good night and with hugs and prayers.


from Meme

chemo is coming........

I have my first chemo treatment on Oct-28 Wednesday- at 9:30 a.m.
I will update more tomorrow-5 sleeps to go-- I hope I can rest the night before- I am happy to know I have a date now but also very anxious.
hugs from Meme

yesterday's cancer news

today was very long and tiring - and the news is rough.
I have cell cancer in the lining of my stomach and it is not the good type
-they can treat me but there is no cure as it is the same cancer that David had except it is in my lining of stomach rather than pancreas.
I will begin treatments soon. I have to have a colonoscopy on Friday to determine it it has spread to the bowel. oh yuck--LOL
It did not show on the ct scan re bowel but he said the scan can not always pick up cell cancer there so the colonoscopy.
I am very tired and exhausted and just shell shocked but I will be better tomorrow,sigh.
I have not sent any thing to anyone else yet( I have now as I am a day late here)
but it is fine to share and I will up date as I can- as long as folks realize this is really all i know and that next week I will get the port put in and I cannot individually reply right now--it is going to be a tough battle to get me into remission but I have hope and faith in the decision we made today.

in memory of papa---blessing

today 2 of his friends came with trucks and cleaned up my back yard of things that were done and also cleaned out an entire shed so that I have a whole unit to store things so that I can continue to down size and if I am not sure I can still remove from the house-
I was so blessed== also can put all the thrift store stuff until they come back and they will take it down for me-this is like having a whole new room added to my house-they took an old chair and dresser and hamper from the house for me too - which adds more space for me they did it in memory of papa and in honor of meI am so blessed--I was able to share some of papa hubbys things with them- R------has a whole load of wood for their wood burning stove as papa hubby had a lot of willow saved up for his canes he made--they tried to pay me and so I tried to pay them-- and we both agreed that this is what friendship is for--and so we both won each other over -
I am ok --- will write soon- huggles me, Meme

ct scan done :-)

the scan and the day went smoothly- hoping the results will be in by Friday but not for sure.
I go to the city hospital but they still have to be read and sent to another cancer clinic for further reading--so I am being a patient waiting patient but the good news is that I have my first appointment on October 13 at the cancer clinic so I will begin my journey then-I had a good day and was able to get the kitchen back to my standards which is two clean sinks so just being able to do that makes me feel better-I just puttered and rested etc-forgive me for times between updates but I have to try to rest and take things easy and even phone calls and emailing is tiring on some days- I am learning what balance is...........I love you guys and know that you are holding us up in prayer- that is the greatest blessing of all.

huggles from Meme

Dogman with papa

Dogman has been sick off and on with his Cushings and the last two days were too much for him
and his kidney's stopped filtering the water he was drinking which meant his blood was getting no water and I
took him to the vet but there was nothing she could do but gently send him to papa hubby- He was so weak
and just went to sleep with a calming drug - she knew he was dying so we sat in a special room togetherand he slipped away-He seemed content to be with me - He would have been 13 tomorrow- he is being cremated privately and will come back to us in a pretty cedar box- with his name on and '' thanks for the memories.'' I am ok as ok is for me right now
and my little bird was bit by a bee and died 15 minutes afterwards so today is not a good day here=
huggles me who has a sadder heart tonight-

the letter O

I rather got behind on letters so will now just think about O
I will just do letters when I can....of course, there are Oreo cookies which most folks love but I haveto admit I do not- and there are oats which take part in our daily lives in
cerels and breads- cheerios with honey :-)
but for me right now is the word OH
=it often prefixs( is that the correct thought) my words
like oh no---which was one of my first thoughts about this cancer
and of course- my prayer- Oh God, help me- this was my cry
this week end and I know that He is with me and although I cannot see what He is doing right now, I can feel His presence-so often, David of the psalms cried out to God and God heard and we
know when we cry that we are heard.My other prayer is that God's will be done
even though there will be days and times that I/wedo not want His will...........I am sure there are other O words but as I am winging it tonight.
I will leave you with this thought-Oh God, thank you for leading me this far.........

Meme has bad news

I had to go to the doctor for him to check the biopsy site for infection or problems- that part is ok but the first of the results are in and I do have cancer- they do not know where it is originating from at this time and they do not know if it is good or bad- I have to go to the cancer clinic in the city and also have ct scans done asap- there is no doubt about the lump containing cancer but the problem is why?? once they know the origin it will be easier to make plans of what the chemo will be and if there will or will not be surgerythat is all I know today-- I am stunned and do not really know what to say except pray for me- I will weep today- then have a good week end and begin the battle on MondayI will tell you whatever I know when I know itI cannot say anymore right now as this note hurts me to have to tell you my sad newsI love you- friends
from Meme

home from biopsy

i am home- the test was quite pain free but oh my, now it is so painful re my left side - face- etc- took some pain meds and must do nothing for a few days- no reports for 10 days as they have to do extensive testing- and we will go from there-i am very tired so I will go to bed again- I will blind copy to groups== they did 7 different needle tests and I swear each needle got bigger but he did it with the ultra sound so he knew where to go----------thank you for praying
loving thoughts from me and gentle right arm huggles

How is Meme?

• I am feeling better this week and I have been catching up on odds and ends
• but slowly so I do not tire -------------
• the weather had been wonderful and I get outside except
• in the hot hours as heat is hard on me--
• so mornings and evening are nice for me to sit out or
• do a few yard things...........
• taking walks every day
• and the biopsy is till on Sept- 21
• so I will have things in order so Ashley can mess it up--LOL
• she is like a whirl- wind looking for a place to land,
• she always has been-
• you always know she is here when she is here-(wink).
• Thank you all for praying
• it keeps me going at this time
• huggles from Meme

the nappers

• had to take Miss Ashley to the doctor for another foot sprain
• she had sprained the main muscle in her foot so time
• will be the healer-------she tends to fall of her foot on one side
• we waited for 10 days to see if it would go away on its own
• and now we know that it will so that was good news and she
• will just have to limp through it for a few weeks---
• then we went out for supper together with no boy who
• is a friend and no Dogman begging eyes---and then
• we walked home and both had a nap..........
• the doctor checked the lump and it has grown larger
• which means it shows now and is annoying the neck muscles
• but he could still give me no answer as we have to wait
• for the biopsy on Sept. 21
• I am going back to the shepherd and letting Him lead
• sometimes I forget who is in charge.......and I want answers NOW
• but God knows and yes, it is another journey but
• I am not alone--
• I am hoping to get over the being tired so that I can get on with some tales-
• good night and God bless every one and thank you for praying
• your prayers hold me up
• huggles from Meme

I am ok,,,,,,,

• I am ok but tired and weary
• and also have found a health issue
• about 4 weeks ago I noticed a lump on my lower neck
• and in a few days it got bigger so
• off to the doctor
• so far I have had x rays
• and then blood tests
• and then ultra sound
• and now on the 21 of Sept. I will have a biopsy
• I feel ok about this but being so tired
• this has added to my load
• I am keeping the faith and
• just trying to take things one day at a time
• the tummy is still an issue and that appointment
• is not until October 8
• I have been eating better as I want to be strong
• for the biopsy ( it is a lymph node)
• so I just have to try to overcome the stomach pain
• but as we all know
• when one has chronic pain
• it does take a lot of energy to keep
• going and going=
• I will be back soon
• I just to weary to think out tales
• loads of love
• and huggles
• from Meme

My week ----------

• I must say that this week did zip by quickly
• even though I was alone most of the time
• Miss Ashley went to visit other grandma and
• was blessed by going to see the ''Lion King.
• she enjoyed it and just her and grandma went.
• she did come yesterday for a shower and a briefing
• LOL and now has gone to take care of her sisters
• for the week end
• so Dogman and I have had to keep ourselves busy
• and off the street.
• the weather has been nice and we had a few storms
• pass by but left no damage behind.
• I am learning the art of loneliness and
• how one must keep on getting up and
• going forward. I must say that getting up
• is easy but staying up takes discipline.
• Dogman does not drag enough dirt into the house
• or dirty many dishes so I have to find other ways
• to improve our day and keep our minds stayed
• on following the Shepherd.
• Now it is Saturday night and we are both watching
• the cooking channel when ever the curse (f) is not on-
• I just cannot see how using one word over and over
• adds to our entertainment. Nor does it have any teaching value.
• I admit too that most of those recipes
• they so cheerful show us are not recipes I will use
• nor will my kitchen ever look so glamorous nor
• will some one set out all the ingredients pre-measured
• in those pretty little dishes so I can bake the perfect
• pie or cake. Calorie free too.
• But they are fun to watch and dream about.
• Of course, being me I do find many other things
• to keep me busy.
• I am off now to check the doors and send Dogman
• to his pee patch.
• Have a wonder week end and hug some one
• and spread some smiles.
• The Lord is my Shepherd!
• huggles from Meme

a friendship kit

• found this little idea on the net a while ago and was
• thinking of making mine up to share
• so I will share the directions with you
• FRIENDSHIP KIT
• rubber-bands to hold friends close
• tissues to dry a tear
• recipes to make and share
• stationary to stay in touch
• bible verses to express God's love
• prayers to keep your friend in mind
• a pencil to journal the heart in
• a note book with lines
• put all in a cloth bag to avoid carbon footprints

have fun and Meme will see you soon-

no plans

• alas I did not want to get up this morning as I was thinking I had nothing to do-
• now that is a silly thought for an old woman but as a habit
• I usually plan out things in my head the night before
• of a few things I must do or could do
• but forgot to think things out which means I convinced myself
• of a lazy day------ha!
• but I did get up and soon saw there were things to do
• the sun was shining after a 2 days of rain so I knew
• I could weed------that is the best time as weeds come up
• root and all-- and of course, there are always a few house
• chores jumping out of the sink or the laundry hamper
• I also walked down to the library and stopped off at a store
• I only spent a quarter-- LOL
• but had a chat with one lady friend
• then the kids came and the kids went
• and I did have a nap- quite unintentional as I was
• watching the news but cuddled in a blanket
• as I was cool as even though the sun shone
• it was a cool day outside and in........
• I am doing ok here- soon fall will be here and
• all the church activities will return
• there is not much to go to in this town
• that does not include alcohol -
• I decided when papa hubby died that I
• would not compromise my beliefs because
• I am lonely-
• summer times does seem the time to be lonely
• (my widow friends agree as they too miss the church action)
• ----if you are a christian widow so many folks
• are coming and going and most regular programs
• take a leave of absence
• I do walk every day which is good for me
• but shopping is again hard as we do not have
• many stores.......the windows do not change too often-
• but I will continue this journey
• depending on the Lord as the
• Lord is my shepherd.

Not in Control

• I have always been a A to Z type of lady who likes things to go
• step by step in order so when ( December 19, 2007) the phone rang
• and papa hubby said-- ''honey, I have terminal cancer and there
• is nothing the doctor can do but keep me comfortable'';
• my world
• ended as I knew it and I stepped into the unknown.
• It was the worst of the worst and the shock just overwhelmed me/
• First of all, we did not expect the results the same day that
• the tests were done-or I would have been with David but
• I had a dental appointment we had made some time ago
• and due to the problem being my dentures; I had to leave
• the bottom teeth behind and come home semi-toothless. but
• most of all we never expected the words terminal and nothing
• to be added to the words---''you have cancer.
• I do not drive so I was expecting my grand daughter to come
• later to take me to the hospital.
• I remember that waiting.......we had not set a certain time
• so all I had to do was be ready and wait.
• Those few hours were the most agonizing hours I spent
• during David's cancer journey-and in our marriage.
• I remember being able to do [nothing] and
• laying on the kitchen floor sobbing with Dogman
• - I could not think or breath or call for help-
• I was totally helpless and alone-
• I remember begging God to help us and show me what to do
• I remember the kids were later than I expected
• and I did not know who to tell so I told no one.
• I remember wondering how I would be able to tell anyone?
• What words do you say- ? How do you explain terminal to
• your children and your grand children.? what does ''nothing
• really mean? what does comfortable mean ?
• What do you say to friends - family- ? How do you
• tell them a story that you cannot believe in?
• I knew David was not alone as our pastor called
• and said he would stay with him- but my heart was
• broken and alone.
• I remember that I had not melted down
• like a confused child since I had left home
• over 40 years ago. And I remember that I could only lay
• there and sob and beg- I remember the patterns of
• saw dust on the rug which was part of papa as he was
• a wood worker and sawdust followed him-every where
• I looked I saw proof of papa hubby existence -
• The kids did come and we left and I said nothing
• Ashley was napping in the backseat when the boy
• who is a friend asked about papa and I do not
• remember his questions but I know the words I said
• were --yes-- and ---no.
• I remember Ashley crying out about what I meant
• and I remember that I had only 3 miles to tell her
• and I knew I could not lie--I could not soften the blow
• I had to tell her that her papa was too sick to get better
• I remember we were crying and some how we got to that
• city hospital and found money for parking and
• then we went off to find our papa- we dream walked
• and set smiles on our broken hearts---
• I still remember his smile when we walked in and I
• remember him saying ''lets all cry together and then we
• will be ok'. and we
• some how managed to crawl into his bed
• and hold each other and cry - and I knew that from
• that minute onward that no matter what happened we
• would survive because love held us together.
• I still did not understand that David's death meant survival
• for him but that is another story.
• And I knew that we could not control what was happening=
• because there were no more rules to follow and the steps
• were not ours to make- the alphabet was scrambled.
• and that God was in control and that we would
• follow Him through the valley and up the mountain.
• We would fall and we would stumble but we kept following
• to the end of the journey for David and the beginning of
• a journey for me.
• some would wonder why the doctor would be so brutally honest
• but David was the kind of guy who wanted to know all--
• even what he did not want to hear-,
• And so our journey began with no map or plans-
• and nothing to pack-------
• but we were blessed because
• The Lord was our shepherd!

I need to catch up...

• here I am reading and summering and forgot that I should be writing too
• we have had nice weather but did have major storm warnings tonight
• but where ever the storm was - it did not pass by here.
• The kids are great ones for the weather channel
• and they find it hard to believe that Meme
• does it the old fashioned way--
• I look out the window-LOL
• I have to admit too that I have been sluffing off the chores
• for another day.
• I have not gone to any lakes this year or sunny beaches
• I remember we would take the kids and then the g'kids
• to different lakes close by and let them run about
• in the sand and in some cases dip toes into the water.
• Where did we get the energy ?
• Miss Sidney was here for an over night
• and just watching her move about
• made me tired.
• She has gone camping now for two nights
• This is her first big ''away from home"" trip
• She comes here often but coming here is just like
• being at home.
• She has crayons and paper and books and toys
• to scatter around.
• so now Meme has shared a tale: I will go to bed
• huggles

Friday Frogs

• did that title get you over here?
• no, Meme has not gone to the frogs
• she just a double sick days here
• so has been sleeping off and on
• and maintaining some of the chores
• have to keep the floor for Dogman
• and some dishes too------
• It was pleasant to have a few moments
• of simply being instead of doing
• I suffer from busyness and I
• and learning that idle hands are ok
• now and then-
• I must have been tired
• as my naps increased but
• I feel better now
• my house did not suffer from me
• leaving it alone for a day or two
• and Dogman was quite happy
• to nap with me====
• Ashley just came and went and
• came back again
• and she did not lack anything
• except maybe my company--LOL
• I am working on the busyness as
• I am to old to go like the pink bunny
• have a wonder filled week end
• hugs from Meme