thoughts on grief

I belong to a christian grief group where a lady was feeling quite depressed- I did not send it directly to her as I realized that she required outside help which she received- this can apply to many types of grief of loss besides death.
this does talk about the death of my spouse but we have gone through other hard losses in our past. I remember when we discovered that all five of our kids( for me 3 are step but I only say that due to their age as I would feel very old having a 50 year old son-LOL) were doing drugs by choice- the loss of our innocence was severe and also no longer were we talking to them but to a drug almost defeated us.
However this note is not about them right and but I will share that burden at another time.
I will now share what I wrote on Father's day this year.
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I feel I have to go back to who my husband was and really ask my self the question---Is this what he would want me to keep in my mind--guilt and suicidal thoughts- etc. We have to be very careful what we allow into our grief. When these negative grief thoughts come I know that they are not in the honor of whom I had in my life for 42 years- there is so much to grief but grief should not destroy who I am- change me, yes, grief has done that but I am still me in the dark.

Because we are human we can not always recognize that some times what is normal is not always right for us to keep.I have wondered into these horrid thoughts and feelings and I know that they are not of the Lord. It is not wrong to sorrow and grieve but we need to know that the Lord has given us a sound mind.

We grieve because we loved so much but we have others to love too and we need to love and live and laugh for them. We will fall again and again but the Lord will keep picking us up. And sometimes we have to let Him hold us.

The Lord has ordained our days as well as our beloved. We are looking at the back of the weaving right now so we cannot see the picture nor can we understand. And someday when our Lord comes to take us home - then we will see the picture and we will not need to ask why.

There is no tears in heaven- only rejoicing with our Lord and Master and seeing our loved ones again. I know papa hubby would be disappointed if I allowed my self to continue thinking thoughts of guilt and suicide etc. I want to remember him with joy and sorrow and love and all the things he was too me. He never made me feel guilty in life and so his death does not make me feel guilty.

I am living and I want to honor him by being me. I laugh- I cry- I talk- I am quiet- I feel peace- I feel lost- I feel healing- I feel pain------------

Today he has been gone for 11 months and I miss him so much and especially today. However, as much as I miss him I have joy because I know where he is and I could not and would not ask for him to come back to this world.

There are no time limits for our grief. I do think that as my life goes on that my heart is healing but not healed. I am not sure that it will ever heal whole again. I am praying for all of my friends here and I want you to know that it is ok to feel joy and to laugh and to live-there can be joy in your sorrow.
I know that is what the spouses would tell us if they could and remember that God's word is there to tell us to carry how to carry on and even as we weep we have hope.
Hugs and Blessings,