thinking my way out

• it has been a rough month for me-
• missing the papa man so much
• part of this is that Miss Ashley is gone so much now
• and that is how it should be.......
• I do not want her to have to baby sit Meme
• I want her to have a fun time in this part of her life
• there is still some growing to do
• and you can be grown up for a long time
• once all is said and done-
• my widow friend of three years came
• for tea day and she assured me that
• I am being normal considering the
• circumstances but boy normal
• sure can hurt......
• the days seem so long and then there are the nights
• the hardest part of day is shutting off the lights
• around the house-
• I am keeping my faith and following
• my Shepherd---
• I need to finish a few small business things
• and then it will be just me.
• I know that God is in control and I
• try very hard not to question Him about
• His plans---
• I am glad June is over....last June was the heavy
• month on the cancer journey ----it was
• all the endings of what dear papa hubby
• was able to do......it was the worst of times
• Tomorrow is new day and a new month
• I will carry on.......
• hugs from Meme

speechless week

I am having a speechless week --- there is not too much news and we have had a lot of sunshine
so most of the days are spent outside.
today I did walk down to a tea party for some friends who have been married
65 years -- and they are both still able to drive and get around quite well.
They have known me since my birth and really are the only folks left
who have known me that a long.
It was a lovely time for all and they enjoyed the day.
have a wonder filled week and Meme will be back soon

thoughts on grief

I belong to a christian grief group where a lady was feeling quite depressed- I did not send it directly to her as I realized that she required outside help which she received- this can apply to many types of grief of loss besides death.
this does talk about the death of my spouse but we have gone through other hard losses in our past. I remember when we discovered that all five of our kids( for me 3 are step but I only say that due to their age as I would feel very old having a 50 year old son-LOL) were doing drugs by choice- the loss of our innocence was severe and also no longer were we talking to them but to a drug almost defeated us.
However this note is not about them right and but I will share that burden at another time.
I will now share what I wrote on Father's day this year.
_______________________
I feel I have to go back to who my husband was and really ask my self the question---Is this what he would want me to keep in my mind--guilt and suicidal thoughts- etc. We have to be very careful what we allow into our grief. When these negative grief thoughts come I know that they are not in the honor of whom I had in my life for 42 years- there is so much to grief but grief should not destroy who I am- change me, yes, grief has done that but I am still me in the dark.

Because we are human we can not always recognize that some times what is normal is not always right for us to keep.I have wondered into these horrid thoughts and feelings and I know that they are not of the Lord. It is not wrong to sorrow and grieve but we need to know that the Lord has given us a sound mind.

We grieve because we loved so much but we have others to love too and we need to love and live and laugh for them. We will fall again and again but the Lord will keep picking us up. And sometimes we have to let Him hold us.

The Lord has ordained our days as well as our beloved. We are looking at the back of the weaving right now so we cannot see the picture nor can we understand. And someday when our Lord comes to take us home - then we will see the picture and we will not need to ask why.

There is no tears in heaven- only rejoicing with our Lord and Master and seeing our loved ones again. I know papa hubby would be disappointed if I allowed my self to continue thinking thoughts of guilt and suicide etc. I want to remember him with joy and sorrow and love and all the things he was too me. He never made me feel guilty in life and so his death does not make me feel guilty.

I am living and I want to honor him by being me. I laugh- I cry- I talk- I am quiet- I feel peace- I feel lost- I feel healing- I feel pain------------

Today he has been gone for 11 months and I miss him so much and especially today. However, as much as I miss him I have joy because I know where he is and I could not and would not ask for him to come back to this world.

There are no time limits for our grief. I do think that as my life goes on that my heart is healing but not healed. I am not sure that it will ever heal whole again. I am praying for all of my friends here and I want you to know that it is ok to feel joy and to laugh and to live-there can be joy in your sorrow.
I know that is what the spouses would tell us if they could and remember that God's word is there to tell us to carry how to carry on and even as we weep we have hope.
Hugs and Blessings,

Dogman's sin

I went out to his pee patch to scoop his poop- I was a few days behind which is ok as he has little poops--and goes to the same area which is private from walkers. And I discoverd that he had eaten a blue and white J clothe and pooped pieces out in his poop- there were big pieces and little pieces too and sigh-

I was so scared mad at him and me- I had forgot that he stole these in the old days so we quit using them. I had used a few half clothes for cleaning but only with vinegar and a little soap plus water in a spray bottle- because they are light they blow of the counter and he is such a scamp that he grabs and hides- We have disposed off any remaining clothes as I cannot let this happen again, and as Dogman has a short memory he will not remember the Meme tears.

I am praying that all of the clothe is pooped out now- it was some time last week when I used them and as I generally toss them away I did not notice anything missing- he does this with kleenex to so no one is allowed to blow a nose with out immediatley disposing of them in a deep garbage-I gave him the Meme talk and he wagged his tail laughing at me-He really did!!! -
sigh-hugs from Meme and Dogman wags

speechless thoughts

• papa hubby's daughter called tonight- (my step- daughter)
• she has not called me since papa's funeral day
• I knew why in my heart
• and I cannot call her as she has no phone
• she is staying at her daughter's right now
• so finally found courage to call
• she had gone back to the cocaine and
• was too ashamed to call...
• sigh
• my heart knew that --
• she is 48 and lives with abusive man
• but he supplies ---------
• sigh
• it was hard to talk to her for most of the 48 minutes
• that we talked as right now she is
• off the drug but not really in her mind-----
• I cannot save her
• I can only pray
• I have to sound cold as I cannot
• let her into my life
• nor enable her behaviors =
• I think that hurts more .........
• to know that some one who loves you,
• and some one you love----
• you have to let completely go.......
• I do not know when I will
• hear from her again
• so I have to give her to the Lord.
• Pray for Barbie
• hugs from Meme

A SHORT MEME NOTE

I am not lost but just trying to do what I can- here is a short Meme note and I will be back soon.****************-

I did get rid of the garbage that I got out for our sanitation man and now I have another bag for next week- if only papa hubby would have collected stamps--LOL but he was a wood crafter and a rock hound and every thing he had weighs a lot-plus I have a hairline fracture in my back and so I have to rethink everything that I do.

yesterday was the eldest daughters birthday and I gave her a gift from me plus I gave her a beautiful hand made mug that she gave her dad when she was around 4 years old. A sweet sorrow gift but I know it means a lot to her and also the fact that her dad used it for over 35 years. my friend make it and papa used it to store his bills etc for the month for all those years.

and so yes. I continue on ...........and I will skip the toss list.

huggles from Meme- today a year ago is the day that my husband left our home for good to go into pallitive care for the last time
- I am glad I have been able to let go of his things now- it is a bittersweet day but it is also a blessing for me as it releases my attachment to his things. I miss him.

Silent Sounds

• most days now my house is silent-
• and as I listen.....
• I can hear the silence.
• I no longer hear the sounds of two
• hearts beating together.
• I remember the last days with papa hubby
• and how I would lean against his chest
• to hear the pitter patter of his heart.
• it was the sound of hope.....
• it was the last sound I heard papa speak
• and then last time I listened
• all I heard was the sound of silence.
• He had left this world as quiet as
• the angels who came to take him home.
• I hear that silent sound now..........
• and I miss his sounds......
• and yet, I feel the sounds in my heart
• and I know that on the day that
• the sound of silence came to me
• that the bells in heaven rang.
• huggles me, Meme

blogging joy...

A few years ago I read a book by Barbara Johnson--one of many books she wrote but I do not remember which book she shared an idea of having a joy box- a place full of quotes and thoughts and jokes and stories that brought her joy. I made a joy book where I either wrote
down odds and ends or took news stories and glued them on a page. The idea is/was to have these things in place to read and reread
and plant your joy on those times when life feels joyless. I recall that eventually Barbara Johnson
had a whole room of joy makers.

I decided to make a blog here and share some old and some new joy stories. quotes and tales along with a scripture treasure- I will blog 5 or 6 times a week. The blog is a place to come for rest and to find some joy and hope seeds.
Each day is not long - just a moment or two to give you some joy.

the link is:
http://ablogofjoyandhope.blogspot.com/

and there is a picture of Meme on the side bar- I think Miss Ashley took it about 2 years ago. I know it was before the cancer journey.

Please come in and visit and follow me.

When the time is right...

• my bedroom is looking pretty cozy and meme like
• there are many things in here that papa hubby gave me
• and also things that we shared together...
• papa was a tool man so he seldom had a lot of
• his things in here- our closets are too small to
• fit both on us in---so he used the spare room closet
• and I used my/our room for my clothes-
• the sweaters we shared were in his closet
• so the closet did not require any changes-
• I found one of his tools called a plainer(sp)
• which is hand held and small so I am using it for
• a book end. I like it as he used it often while
• making his canes......so lots of DNA
• I can still only do so much at a time and
• only deal with certain things yet.
• But I am moving forward step by step
• because I know that is what papa hubby
• asked me to do. He was very strong spoken that
• the things he left behind are of this world
• and that I am to take care of myself.
• Because of my health I know that this house
• is too much for me to deal with and that
• I will have to move in a couple of years.
• I know that I need to start the steps......
• in order to be able to complete this
• before I have to leave here.
• It is sad to know that I will be letting
• our home go but it is also exciting to know
• that I can make a new home for Meme.
• It takes time to remove the detachments of papa
• hubby's things because it is hard to remind me
• that these are now my things and if I keep them all
• I am the one responsible.
• The wonderful thing is that papa is not missing
• his things- or noticing his things going- or wants his things to
• be kept for him. I know that he has his treasures in heaven
• from Jesus- no pain- no suffering- no tears- no sadness
• and he is not alone- He is with his Lord and Savior who
• taught us all to not store our treasures on earth
• for they will rust and turn to dust.
• God's treasures are eternal.
• God will give me and you strength to do
• what needs to be done when the time is right.
• God is our time keeper.
• Wait for the Lord..........Psalm 27:14

Monday June 8

• I have been a grandma 21 years - today
• It seems like yesterday that I was a new mother
• and now I have passed the grandma test.
• -----------
• I had a quiet day and put the kitchen back in order
• it is amazing how many things come out at night....
• so it was like a 52 pick up game
• but now everything is back in place.
• I made some porcupine chili-
• I need to stay away from beans right now
• re the tummy
• but this recipe is just as good as the ordinary chili
• -----------
• 1 pound hamburger-
• 1/2 uncooked rice
• 1 can tomato soup
• 1 can water
• 1 can diced tomatoes *not drained
• 1/4 cup tomato sauce
• extra water if needed
• brown hamburger in pan and drain fat off, add the rest of the
• ingredients- and bring to simmer- now you can choose to either put
• in oven at 300F or continue to simmer on stove for about one hour.
• keep lid on which ever cooking method you choose.
• when I do this on stove top I find I need to add an extra can of water- I
• like the oven but today it was the stove- you can also do this in slow cooker but
• change water to 3/4 can -I don't remember how long the slow cooker takes.
• you can also double the recipe-
• makes a great supper with buns and salad
• and leftovers make good sloppy joes for the next day.
• ---------
• I did do more than just make supper but I cannot see it--LOL
• chores have away of coming undone and also repeating themselves.
• hugs from Meme

that dear granddaughter

• yesterday the grand daughter was off to see family on her birth
• dad's side--sometimes I get confused so I do wonder how she keeps
• every one in her mind.
• she came home before mid night which means Oma was still
• up and had not turned into a pumpkin--LOL.
• now for some reason she kept tempting me away from
• my room - but I kept coming back-
• and she kept tempting me with things she needed or needed done
• and as it was getting closer to midnight-
• Oma finally fell for the
• maid for a minute or two........
• .Oma knows when to give up....in...over...
• so off I went to do maid duty and
• suddenly I hear strange noises in my room and as
• noises are generally not found in my room and
• as I have completed the maid for a minute job.....
• (which took more minutes than I planned )
• I return to discover my grand daughter standing
• on a stool in a rather strange position
• and in some danger according to Oma-- but I
• look up to see that she had put some words
• on my wall - all in fancy letters- first
• done on a special machine and then put on
• where ever one wants them to go and
• well no, Oma did not cry......
• I saved the tears for later......because this is what the words
• say.....
• JESUS LOVES YOU
• GOD BLESS YOU
• SEE YOU IN THE MORNING
• LOVE PAPA
• these were the words that papa hubby always
• closed the day with ......either tucking g'kids into bed
• or going to his bed at night,
• even the cancer could not take all the words
• from him as he would struggle for breath
• to finish.......
• She has them displayed so that when I lay
• down at night or wake up in the morning
• I will see the words from his heart.
• God bless my Miss Ashley

clearing out the bedroom...

I got a lot of things done today because we have rain that is also snow at times so it was not fit day for man or beast to go outside. I did clear out at least 50 things since I started to sort out the bedroom..I just put down check marks as I do not want to get bogged down with lists. I know myself too well- some is gone, some things went to where they really belonged, and some is going to be given away as soon as I get a good day for travel. The main thing is that it has all left my bedroom.
I have some of my things, some of our things and a few things of papa hubby's for decor.I am a not matchie-pooh lady so if it is something that brings me joy I have it in here.I fixed up the DVD player so I can relax and watch my/our favorite DVDs- (( I set it up all by myself and it works). I still think in terms of ''ours'' often.
It is still half bed-room and half-office. Office really means where I have my laptop and is where I write notes to my friends. I do the bills out in the dining room. I call it office only to feel more official. (smile)
My bedroom is now peaceful and filled with memories of me and we. There are special moments when I think- here I am safe, and I feel joy again. And even though- life is not fair and often hard I have made a place where I can have moments of peace. Moments where I can just 'be me''.
Because of the grief there has not been a lot of room for emotional baggage to stay. Cancer has a way of changing one's ambitions and priorities. For me, the only real thing that matters now is to love and to notice and value the small moments of joy in my life. Things like the sunbeams on my kitchen floor, a walk to no where, my dog's tail wagging, smiling at strangers before they smile at me.........
I have learned with a deep awareness to find the things that really matter now. I have the need to learn and to grow, and to be all of who I am/ was meant to be. And as I share my blanket of memories with friends and ''you'', my prayer is that you will be blessed.

hugs from Meme

Meme's content day

• I had a content day here both in body and mind-
• I think I was just happy to be at the end of all the tests
• and appointments and with results that I can live with..
• I have been sick for over 2 years now and so
• glad that the Lord gave me manna strength to take
• care of dear papa
• I did some amazing things with and for him
• things that I could have never done on my own...
• God is good.
• I am not stressed with the medical results.
• I got groceries today and it was book club -
• last one until September
• I did not finish the last book as it had
• too many things in it that I do not believe-
• and things against God's word.
• one of our questions today was ??
• what do we think heaven is like....
• and my answer was that I know that it will
• be a wonderful place because Jesus will be there.
• I did not answer a lot of the questions
• but when someone said that none of us know
• about heaven so it is really up to our imagination
• I did say that I know what God's
• promises are re heaven and the place He is preparing
• for me/us-- I was very careful to word the statement
• as a witness as all the ladies do not think
• that whole Bible is true- sigh-
• it was a tough meeting as sometimes
• I felt very disregarded for my belief and faith
• but honored that I was free to speak..
• but I know that what God says-God does.
• we did have giggles too and I am praying
• for those ladies to find the true Jesus.
• I am sad that the world is rejecting
• God and his promises--
• Anne Frank said these words..
• I DON'T THINK OF ALL THE MISERY, BUT OF ALL THE BEAUTY
• THAT STILL REMAINS.
• Let us keep an eye out for His beauty.
• hugs from Meme

And the doctor said.......

Finally got the to see the doctor re my tummy and this is my story--ignore any thing that mentions cancer as I am ok there- however I do not know how to delete all the info and still make sense--

1. Barrett's Esophagus Barrett's esophagus. Barrett's esophagus (BE) leads to abnormal changes in the cells of the esophagus.
About 10% of patients with symptomatic GERD have BE. In some cases, BE develops as an advanced stage of erosive esophagitis. While obesity, alcohol use, and smoking have all been implicated as risk factors for Barrett's esophagus, their role remains unclear. Only the persistence of GERD symptoms indicates a higher risk for BE.
Not all patients with BE have either esophagitis or symptoms of GERD. In fact, studies suggest that more than half of people with BE have no GERD symptoms at all. BE, then, is likely to be much more prevalent and probably less harmful than is currently believed.
. When BE patients develop abnormalities of the mucus membrane cells lining the esophagus (dysplasia), the risk of cancer rises significantly. There is some evidence that acid reflux may contribute to the development of cancer in BE.

2. plus...
this is the second problem most likely due to the first problem--dysphagia
If the esophagus becomes severely injured over time, narrowed regions called strictures can develop, which may impair swallowing (a condition known as dysphagia). Stretching procedures or surgery may be required to restore normal swallowing. Strictures may actually prevent other GERD symptoms, by stopping acid from traveling up the esophagus. I also have neurogical problems in the muscles of the esophagus and this also has too be watch closely in case I lost my breath as I need these muscles to work when I breath-- It has a name too but I lost it some where in my head-

3. a H. hernia about 1 inch--

--
there is things that could be done but I told him that I am just not emotionally or physically well enough to make any decisions right now and so I will see him again on September 3 where he will explain my options. He also gave me a new prescription that should help some. My option right now is to ask for prayer. I would like to spend a joyful summer eating and with no pain. I am too thin now and need to build up my strength-- the reason I am so tired is that I am not getting enough calories due to my high metabolism and severe tummy problems .
and that is my story- and I will be back soon with another tale-
hugs from Meme who so appreciates her friends and the prayers.