Rain........

It is raining here today which is what we need--and so our rain is an answer to prayer.
God's blessing helps the earth grow our food and keeps us continually blessed. So often, we want to have only the sun-shine but if there are no storms we would not see our rainbows.
I feel like I am in midst of another storm right now as time is getting closer to the one year that my dear hubby has been gone- It seems like only yesterday that I held him in my arms and sang the song telling us that Jesus loved him. He loved Jesus too and had a personal faith that comforted him as he walked in the valley of death. Death came but could not steal him as his death was his victory in Jesus.
I know that the sun will shine in my heart again and that the rain will help me grow- and I will see the rainbow.
.please pray that as I seek His comfort that I will remember that I do not walk alone and there is sunshine after the rain.
huggles me, Meme

CANADA DAY

this is Dogman on a bad hair day--LOL--on his chair with his blanket.

• I had a nice quiet day and got some extra chores done


• took some book give aways out to papa's work shop


• and found this nice new little plastic cupboard


• it has 3 drawers and about 30 inches high


• so I put it together- not too hard but still had to learn


• the process- and now it has all those little plastic


• containers that I use for left-overs or lunches


• thanks = papa hubby.


• I like the way God leads me to little bits of joy-


• this is so handy and has wheels so Meme can


• have fun too-


• then I walked down to our local celebrations


• that was on from 2 to 7


• it was geared to kids and it was fun to watch


• them doing the wee races etc.


• I only saw one lady that I knew---


• I guess the old folks stayed home- LOL


• it was a nice outing - I did not stay until


• 7 p.m. as the music was not quite Meme style.


• I am glad that I can come here


• and talk to you on my good days and


• my bad days.......


• today was a good day :-)


• and I will share a picture of Dogman as


• I think I missed posting him here.
• huggles me- Meme

thinking my way out

• it has been a rough month for me-
• missing the papa man so much
• part of this is that Miss Ashley is gone so much now
• and that is how it should be.......
• I do not want her to have to baby sit Meme
• I want her to have a fun time in this part of her life
• there is still some growing to do
• and you can be grown up for a long time
• once all is said and done-
• my widow friend of three years came
• for tea day and she assured me that
• I am being normal considering the
• circumstances but boy normal
• sure can hurt......
• the days seem so long and then there are the nights
• the hardest part of day is shutting off the lights
• around the house-
• I am keeping my faith and following
• my Shepherd---
• I need to finish a few small business things
• and then it will be just me.
• I know that God is in control and I
• try very hard not to question Him about
• His plans---
• I am glad June is over....last June was the heavy
• month on the cancer journey ----it was
• all the endings of what dear papa hubby
• was able to do......it was the worst of times
• Tomorrow is new day and a new month
• I will carry on.......
• hugs from Meme

speechless week

I am having a speechless week --- there is not too much news and we have had a lot of sunshine
so most of the days are spent outside.
today I did walk down to a tea party for some friends who have been married
65 years -- and they are both still able to drive and get around quite well.
They have known me since my birth and really are the only folks left
who have known me that a long.
It was a lovely time for all and they enjoyed the day.
have a wonder filled week and Meme will be back soon

thoughts on grief

I belong to a christian grief group where a lady was feeling quite depressed- I did not send it directly to her as I realized that she required outside help which she received- this can apply to many types of grief of loss besides death.
this does talk about the death of my spouse but we have gone through other hard losses in our past. I remember when we discovered that all five of our kids( for me 3 are step but I only say that due to their age as I would feel very old having a 50 year old son-LOL) were doing drugs by choice- the loss of our innocence was severe and also no longer were we talking to them but to a drug almost defeated us.
However this note is not about them right and but I will share that burden at another time.
I will now share what I wrote on Father's day this year.
_______________________
I feel I have to go back to who my husband was and really ask my self the question---Is this what he would want me to keep in my mind--guilt and suicidal thoughts- etc. We have to be very careful what we allow into our grief. When these negative grief thoughts come I know that they are not in the honor of whom I had in my life for 42 years- there is so much to grief but grief should not destroy who I am- change me, yes, grief has done that but I am still me in the dark.

Because we are human we can not always recognize that some times what is normal is not always right for us to keep.I have wondered into these horrid thoughts and feelings and I know that they are not of the Lord. It is not wrong to sorrow and grieve but we need to know that the Lord has given us a sound mind.

We grieve because we loved so much but we have others to love too and we need to love and live and laugh for them. We will fall again and again but the Lord will keep picking us up. And sometimes we have to let Him hold us.

The Lord has ordained our days as well as our beloved. We are looking at the back of the weaving right now so we cannot see the picture nor can we understand. And someday when our Lord comes to take us home - then we will see the picture and we will not need to ask why.

There is no tears in heaven- only rejoicing with our Lord and Master and seeing our loved ones again. I know papa hubby would be disappointed if I allowed my self to continue thinking thoughts of guilt and suicide etc. I want to remember him with joy and sorrow and love and all the things he was too me. He never made me feel guilty in life and so his death does not make me feel guilty.

I am living and I want to honor him by being me. I laugh- I cry- I talk- I am quiet- I feel peace- I feel lost- I feel healing- I feel pain------------

Today he has been gone for 11 months and I miss him so much and especially today. However, as much as I miss him I have joy because I know where he is and I could not and would not ask for him to come back to this world.

There are no time limits for our grief. I do think that as my life goes on that my heart is healing but not healed. I am not sure that it will ever heal whole again. I am praying for all of my friends here and I want you to know that it is ok to feel joy and to laugh and to live-there can be joy in your sorrow.
I know that is what the spouses would tell us if they could and remember that God's word is there to tell us to carry how to carry on and even as we weep we have hope.
Hugs and Blessings,

Dogman's sin

I went out to his pee patch to scoop his poop- I was a few days behind which is ok as he has little poops--and goes to the same area which is private from walkers. And I discoverd that he had eaten a blue and white J clothe and pooped pieces out in his poop- there were big pieces and little pieces too and sigh-

I was so scared mad at him and me- I had forgot that he stole these in the old days so we quit using them. I had used a few half clothes for cleaning but only with vinegar and a little soap plus water in a spray bottle- because they are light they blow of the counter and he is such a scamp that he grabs and hides- We have disposed off any remaining clothes as I cannot let this happen again, and as Dogman has a short memory he will not remember the Meme tears.

I am praying that all of the clothe is pooped out now- it was some time last week when I used them and as I generally toss them away I did not notice anything missing- he does this with kleenex to so no one is allowed to blow a nose with out immediatley disposing of them in a deep garbage-I gave him the Meme talk and he wagged his tail laughing at me-He really did!!! -
sigh-hugs from Meme and Dogman wags

speechless thoughts

• papa hubby's daughter called tonight- (my step- daughter)
• she has not called me since papa's funeral day
• I knew why in my heart
• and I cannot call her as she has no phone
• she is staying at her daughter's right now
• so finally found courage to call
• she had gone back to the cocaine and
• was too ashamed to call...
• sigh
• my heart knew that --
• she is 48 and lives with abusive man
• but he supplies ---------
• sigh
• it was hard to talk to her for most of the 48 minutes
• that we talked as right now she is
• off the drug but not really in her mind-----
• I cannot save her
• I can only pray
• I have to sound cold as I cannot
• let her into my life
• nor enable her behaviors =
• I think that hurts more .........
• to know that some one who loves you,
• and some one you love----
• you have to let completely go.......
• I do not know when I will
• hear from her again
• so I have to give her to the Lord.
• Pray for Barbie
• hugs from Meme

A SHORT MEME NOTE

I am not lost but just trying to do what I can- here is a short Meme note and I will be back soon.****************-

I did get rid of the garbage that I got out for our sanitation man and now I have another bag for next week- if only papa hubby would have collected stamps--LOL but he was a wood crafter and a rock hound and every thing he had weighs a lot-plus I have a hairline fracture in my back and so I have to rethink everything that I do.

yesterday was the eldest daughters birthday and I gave her a gift from me plus I gave her a beautiful hand made mug that she gave her dad when she was around 4 years old. A sweet sorrow gift but I know it means a lot to her and also the fact that her dad used it for over 35 years. my friend make it and papa used it to store his bills etc for the month for all those years.

and so yes. I continue on ...........and I will skip the toss list.

huggles from Meme- today a year ago is the day that my husband left our home for good to go into pallitive care for the last time
- I am glad I have been able to let go of his things now- it is a bittersweet day but it is also a blessing for me as it releases my attachment to his things. I miss him.