Not in Control

• I have always been a A to Z type of lady who likes things to go
• step by step in order so when ( December 19, 2007) the phone rang
• and papa hubby said-- ''honey, I have terminal cancer and there
• is nothing the doctor can do but keep me comfortable'';
• my world
• ended as I knew it and I stepped into the unknown.
• It was the worst of the worst and the shock just overwhelmed me/
• First of all, we did not expect the results the same day that
• the tests were done-or I would have been with David but
• I had a dental appointment we had made some time ago
• and due to the problem being my dentures; I had to leave
• the bottom teeth behind and come home semi-toothless. but
• most of all we never expected the words terminal and nothing
• to be added to the words---''you have cancer.
• I do not drive so I was expecting my grand daughter to come
• later to take me to the hospital.
• I remember that waiting.......we had not set a certain time
• so all I had to do was be ready and wait.
• Those few hours were the most agonizing hours I spent
• during David's cancer journey-and in our marriage.
• I remember being able to do [nothing] and
• laying on the kitchen floor sobbing with Dogman
• - I could not think or breath or call for help-
• I was totally helpless and alone-
• I remember begging God to help us and show me what to do
• I remember the kids were later than I expected
• and I did not know who to tell so I told no one.
• I remember wondering how I would be able to tell anyone?
• What words do you say- ? How do you explain terminal to
• your children and your grand children.? what does ''nothing
• really mean? what does comfortable mean ?
• What do you say to friends - family- ? How do you
• tell them a story that you cannot believe in?
• I knew David was not alone as our pastor called
• and said he would stay with him- but my heart was
• broken and alone.
• I remember that I had not melted down
• like a confused child since I had left home
• over 40 years ago. And I remember that I could only lay
• there and sob and beg- I remember the patterns of
• saw dust on the rug which was part of papa as he was
• a wood worker and sawdust followed him-every where
• I looked I saw proof of papa hubby existence -
• The kids did come and we left and I said nothing
• Ashley was napping in the backseat when the boy
• who is a friend asked about papa and I do not
• remember his questions but I know the words I said
• were --yes-- and ---no.
• I remember Ashley crying out about what I meant
• and I remember that I had only 3 miles to tell her
• and I knew I could not lie--I could not soften the blow
• I had to tell her that her papa was too sick to get better
• I remember we were crying and some how we got to that
• city hospital and found money for parking and
• then we went off to find our papa- we dream walked
• and set smiles on our broken hearts---
• I still remember his smile when we walked in and I
• remember him saying ''lets all cry together and then we
• will be ok'. and we
• some how managed to crawl into his bed
• and hold each other and cry - and I knew that from
• that minute onward that no matter what happened we
• would survive because love held us together.
• I still did not understand that David's death meant survival
• for him but that is another story.
• And I knew that we could not control what was happening=
• because there were no more rules to follow and the steps
• were not ours to make- the alphabet was scrambled.
• and that God was in control and that we would
• follow Him through the valley and up the mountain.
• We would fall and we would stumble but we kept following
• to the end of the journey for David and the beginning of
• a journey for me.
• some would wonder why the doctor would be so brutally honest
• but David was the kind of guy who wanted to know all--
• even what he did not want to hear-,
• And so our journey began with no map or plans-
• and nothing to pack-------
• but we were blessed because
• The Lord was our shepherd!